Maybe Donald Trump is Dory the Fish

I think I’ve figured out Donald Trump. Since his campaign began, the press, political experts, and everyday citizens haven’t understood him. He violates every political norm, seems not to understand how government works, has no concept of facts or truth, and is so self-obsessed that I’m quite sure he thinks of the world population as Donald Trump and 7 billion others.I think I’m on to him though.Donald Trump is Dory the fish from Finding Nemo its sequel, Finding Dory. Stay with me here, I’ll explain.Dory the fish—in case you’ve deprived yourself of watching both of Pixar’s fantastic movies in which she stars—is a friendly blue tang fish. Her defining characteristic is that her short-term memory is only about ten seconds. So if you met Dory you could introduce yourself, hold a brief conversation, and by the end of the conversation she wouldn’t remember who you were, or why she was talking to you.So if you imagine Donald Trump as Dory the fish, then all of a sudden his actions make perfect sense. (One exception: As I mentioned above, Dory the fish is friendly. I suspect that this part of her personality does not extend to Donny Boy. He strikes me as perhaps the most-unfriendly person in America. The only person who looks less comfortable smiling than Donny Boy is Yertle the Turtle. I mean Mitch McConnell.)As we all know, Donny Boy has an intense Twitter fetish, which I suspect stems from his inability to concentrate long enough to read more than 140 characters at a time. In his posts he often comes across as the thin-skinned, childish, shallow bully that he is. But a few of his tweets this morning helped me with my Dory the fish breakthrough.He tweeted the following, which he divided over two Tweets, since he’d just had his coffee and gingko biloba, and felt focused: ‘As a very active President with lots of things happening, it is not possibly for my surrogates to stand at podium with perfect accuracy! Maybe the best thing to do would be to cancel all future “press briefings” and hand out written responses for the sake of accuracy???’This tweet stems from the fact that Donny Boy said in an interview yesterday that he’d already decided to fire James Comey regardless of Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s recommendation. That statement completely reverses the claim that Vice Punk, I mean President, Mike Pence, and Deputy White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders made the previous day, which was that Trump fired Comey following the recommendation of Rosenstein and Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Donny Boy said as much in his letter to Comey.He also made a veiled threat to Comey: ‘James Comey better hope that there are no “tapes” of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!’Trump’s team can’t “stand at podium with perfect accuracy” because Donny Boy’s truth changes too much. At first I assumed that this is because he’s a con-man, a liar with no regard for the truth, who views the world and everyone in it as either an impediment to or an aide for his desires. But maybe that’s too harsh.Maybe his memory doesn’t work. If he has no recollection of anything he’s said before, then so many things make sense.He can claim that he decided to fire Comey regardless of the recommendation of others, because he forgot that he said he fired him based on their recommendation.He has to record his conversations with Comey because he’ll never remember what they talked about.He fired Comey because he listened to the tapes and remembered that Comey refused to pledge loyalty to him.He can threaten to cancel all “press briefings” (Note: Using quotation marks like he uses them implies that he doesn’t really mean the words inside the quotes. Someone should tell him that.) because he forgot that the First Amendment exists.He can say the Mexico will pay for a wall on the border because he forgot that they’re not part of the U.S.He can fail to provide evidence of massive voter fraud as he promised because he forgot that he even made the claim.He can fail to fire Michael Flynn after the Acting Attorney General informed him that he had lied to Pence, and thus could be comprised by the Russians, because he forgot that Flynn was the National Security Advisor.Also, it explains why Ellen Degeneres won’t have him on her show. She’s worried that he will supplant her character as the most famous victim of immediate memory loss.As far as I can tell there are only a handful of things that he does remember: the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton, and Rosie O’Donnell.So let’s go easy on Donny Boy. Just think of him as Dory the fish, and all of a sudden he’s not so bad. Although I’d never want Dory the fish to be President of the United States, so it’s best that Donny Boy leave office, too.But at least I understand him a little better now.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Dr. Seuss is TupacPREVIOUS POST: What Happened to All of the Almond M&M's?

What Happened to All of the Almond M&M's?

If it weren’t for the three o’clock hour at work I’m pretty sure that I’d be about twenty pounds lighter than I am. Three o’clock is such a difficult time. It’s the middle of the afternoon, and the motivation for the day is already gone, and at that point survival instincts kick in.And so does hunger.I eat my lunch at one o’clock everyday, so by three I’m hungry again. I know that’s only two hours, and I’m not a baby so I shouldn’t be hungry, but I am. Sue me.And some marketing genius decided to stuff the vending machine in the basement of a nearby building with peanut M&M’s. Those jerks. How the hell am I supposed to pass up peanut M&M’s when the three o’clock food craving comes? I can’t. Let’s be realistic.So instead I walk over to the vending machine and I swipe my debit card. What kind of idiot (genius) decided it was a good idea to accept credit cards at vending machines? I never bought peanut M&M’s at the vending machine before they accepted credit cards. They’re $1.35, and I never have cash, and even if I did have cash I’m not going to fork over two perfectly good dollars, so instead I’d go peanut M&Mless.But now they accept my card, so I overpay for peanut M&M’s. And they’re delicious.However, as much as I love peanut M&M’s, what I really want is some almond M&M’s.At some point in the not-too-distant past I purchased almond M&M’s at the grocery store checkout lane. However, they seem to be unavailable now.A couple of months back, out of the blue, I craved almond M&M’s. As I checked out at the grocery store I scanned the candy rack and found plain M&M’s (how boring!) and peanut M&M’s (good, but I eat those all the time). However, almond M&M’s were nowhere to be found.Ever since then, every time I’ve been in a store I’ve been on the lookout for almond M&M’s.I checked the grocery store checkout lane. No luck. I checked the dollar store that has every candy imaginable. No luck. I checked the party supply store. No luck. I checked Target, and Wal-Mart at multiple locations. Still no luck.I began to wonder whether some well-meaning, but foolish executive had decided to do away with almond M&M’s. Maybe their taste buds don’t work. Maybe they’re part of the peanut lobby and they recognize the clear, blatant superiority of almonds. There’s no way that peanuts can compete with almonds, so they just gave up and sent in the reps who know all of the dirty tactics.In my seemingly endless search for almond M&M’s I’ve come across plain, peanut, and crispy M&M’s. Coffee Nut M&M’s are a thing. Did you know that? So are chili nut. I’ve had both. Chili nut actually has more spice than I expected. And now caramel M&M’s exist. Caramel! They’re delicious. You should try them. You won’t be disappointed.Unless you’re looking for almond M&M’s. Then you’ll be disappointed.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Some Notes on Stealing Halloween Candy From My KidsPREVIOUS POST: Is Trump Trolling Us By Meeting with Kissinger and Lavrov After Firing Comey?

Is Trump Trolling Us By Meeting with Kissinger and Lavrov After Firing Comey?

Donny Boy is just messing with us, isn’t he? Or, in the language of my sons, who throw the term around all the time, Donny Boy is trolling us. He has to be, right?How else do we explain two meetings he had today?First, Trump invited the press into the Oval Office for a photo op with Henry Kissinger. Poor Hank doesn’t look too well these days. Some might assume it’s because he’s 93 years old, but I suspect it’s because he just realized that the current Oval Office occupant is even more of a maniac than the president he served, Richard Nixon.I’ve always questioned Kissinger’s judgment. I don’t mean for this to be a history lesson, but anyone who thinks that ending a war by expanding a war is a good idea (as he proposed by expanding the Vietnam war into Cambodia), or supports on oppressive dictator after a military coup against an elected leader (as he did in Chile), has poor judgment.But overall, I think Kissinger’s a smart guy. He’s advised nearly every U.S. president in the last fifty years. And other than avoiding certain countries for fear of being prosecuted as a war criminal, Kissinger is held in somewhat high esteem.However, is there anyone more identified with Richard Nixon than Henry Kissinger, who served as Nixon’s National Security Advisor and Secretary of State?And considering that Trump’s firing of F.B.I. director James Comey is highly reminiscent of Nixon’s Saturday Night Massacre in which he fired the independent special prosecutor appointed to investigate him, who’s the idiot who thought, “You know what we need today, a photo op with Henry Kissinger?”Come on! Was G. Gordon Liddy not available?Let’s not forget that all of this controversy stems from the fact that the F.B.I. has an ongoing investigation into ties between Russia and various members of Donny Boy’s campaign and administration.Once again, just to emphasize, there are questions about whether the current President of the United States, or people around him, have acted unlawfully in their relations with another country, Russia.So then in the bumbling, chaotic, we-don’t-know-what-we’re-doing West Wing, someone decides, “We should meet with the Russian foreign minister, Sergey Lavrov, today.”I suspect that Donny Boy made the decision to meet with Kissinger and Lavrov right after firing Comey. He’s trolling us.He has decided that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it, so why not fire the person leading the investigation against him, and then invite a reminder of the last time just such an event occurred, and a reminder of the subject of the investigation?And why shouldn’t Donny Boy think he can get away with it? He’s been doing whatever he wants since he began running for president and it has worked just swimmingly for him. He’s the President. Republican officials who swore Never Trump now have chapped lips from kissing his ass so often (I’m looking at you Paul Ryan). And a sizable portion of this country still thinks he’s going to Make America Great Again or that he deserves a chance, or that he’s just the victim of fake news.Donny Boy is a narcissist, so of course he thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequence. Unfortunately for him, the consequence is coming. Some day, some way, the consequence is coming. And he will be a disgraced (rather than just disgraceful) president.But even more bizarre than Donny Boy’s decision to meet with Kissinger and Lavrov today, is the fact that the only pictures of Lavrov’s meeting with Donny Boy came from a Kremlin Twitter account. Donny Boy’s disdain for the American media leaves the Kremlin to tell the story.But even more bizarre than that is Lavrov’s comment at the end of this clip.

It’s clear that Tillerson wants no part of the press, but Lavrov hesitates, as if he’s hoping to engage. And then when someone asks him about Comey, Lavrov says, “Was he fired? You’re kidding! You’re kidding!” And then walks away.Lavrov seemed like every villain from every James Bond movie in that moment. I’m surprised his next line wasn’t, “No, America! I expect you to die!”Everyone’s trolling the American people. We should expect as much from the Russians. I’m sure they love watching the charade of American government unfold. However, it’s not too much to expect the President to refrain from trolling us.But this is Donny Boy we’re talking about, so anything goes.I won’t be surprised if, this afternoon, Donny Boy announces that he has opened a re-election office at 2600 Virginia Ave NW in Washington, DC.That’s an address you might recognize as the Watergate Office Building.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Obama Should Pardon HillaryPREVIOUS POST: Trump is Much More Incompetent Than Comey

Trump is Much More Incompetent Than Comey

There have been numerous times since last November that I’ve thought, “I cannot believe Donald Trump is president of the United States.” Most of the time, I don’t think he can believe it either.During his entire presidency I’ve felt like a little kid whose parents left his teenage brother in charge. He thinks he knows what he’s doing, but he really has no idea what it means to be an adult. He doesn’t even know what he doesn’t know, and the little kids are just waiting for the real adults to return before something really bad happens.But my disbelief at this yahoo occupying the Oval Office has never been greater than when I heard that Donny Boy fired F.B.I. director James Comey.Are you serious? He fired the guy who’s in charge of the organization that’s leading the investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia? Can you imagine if one of the Clintons or Obamas did such a thing? Republican heads would explode!And as I read about Trump’s rationale for firing Comey—because he can’t just come out and say, “I’m feeling too much heat from Comey about my campaign’s ties to Russia so I really want to get rid of him so I can appoint my own guy in there and tell him to call off the dogs”—I literally laughed out loud and asked myself, out loud, “Is this guy serious?”In Trump’s alternate universe—you know the one, where legitimate news organizations are fake, and 3 million illegals voted in the last election—the director of the F.B.I. is held to a higher standard than the president of the United States. The F.B.I. director can’t get away with the same crap that the president does. Donny Boy and his know-nothing disciples and underlings think this. They have to. It’s the only way any of this makes sense.The support for Donny Boy’s decision to fire Comey came in the form of a memorandum from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. (Now, I don’t know Rod Rosenstein at all, but when I saw that name I thought back to the video for the Beastie Boys song Sabotage. I guarantee that if there were a district attorney in that video his name would have been Rod Rosenstein!)Attorney General Jeff “I was OK with the KKK until I found out they smoke pot” Sessions wrote a letter in support of Rosenstein’s memorandum and recommendation that Donny Boy fire Comey. In his letter to Comey, Donny Boy stated that he accepts the recommendation of his Attorney General and his deputy, and that Comey is terminated, effective immediately.Rosenstein’s memorandum contained the following line, “The Director laid out his version of the facts for the news media as if it were a closing argument, but without a trial.”I especially like someone from Donny Boy’s administration using the line “his version of the facts.”Let me remind you that this is the administration that invented and popularized the term alternative facts. Donny Boy himself has claimed the following:--The crowd to watch his inauguration was the largest ever.--More than 3 million people voted illegally in the last election.--President Barack Obama wiretapped his offices in Trump Tower.Of course none of it is true, but it hasn’t stopped Donny Boy from laying out his version of the facts for everyone as if it were a closing argument, but without a trial.This man is a shyster, a sham, a scoundrel, a liar, a louse, a loser, an idiot, an imbecile, an ignoramus. He is wholly unqualified for any public office above dogcatcher.It won’t be long before he makes some outrageous, patently false claim about Comey, and then cries “fake news” when people smarter than him point out his lies.If you’re a Trumpist—one who apologizes for Trump, one who buys into his Make America Great Bullshit, one who thinks that we just need to give him a chance—then you probably think I’m an idiot. And that’s fine. I won’t tweet bad things about you at three in the morning.But ask yourself this: Why, after Acting Attorney General Sally Yates went to the White House to disclose the irrefutable fact that the National Security Advisor Michael Flynn had lied to the Vice President about his Russian contacts, and thus was susceptible to blackmail by a foreign power, did Donny Boy wait 18 days to fire Flynn?18 days. More than two weeks during which the National Security Advisor could have been blackmailed, and Donny Boy knew about it and didn’t fire him.At the conclusion of his memo, Rosenstein states, “the FBI is unlikely to regain public and congressional trust until it has a Director who understands the gravity of the mistakes and pledges never to repeat them. Having refused to admit his errors, the Director cannot be expected to implement the necessary corrective actions.”The same should be said about Donny Boy.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Trump Won't Last Four YearsPREVIOUS POST: My Son Wrote a Petition to Appeal Getting Grounded From Video Games

My Son Wrote a Petition to Appeal Getting Grounded From Video Games

A couple of weeks ago my 12-year-old son did something that resulted in him being grounded from video games for the rest of the school year. I can’t remember what he did, so apparently it must not have been horrific.After enduring his punishment for a couple of days during the week—which wasn’t really a punishment, since he only gets to play video games on the weekends anyway—he presented his mom and me with a hand-written petition entitled, “Why I Shouldn’t be Grounded.”With his permission I’ve reproduced the entire document below, exactly as he wrote it, except for the explanatory notes that I included in [these brackets]. According to a recent study by Oxford University in England, kids who play video games are better off than kids who don’t play. Andrew K. Przybylski, who led the study, found that gamers have fewer emotional problems than non-gamers.He also says that kids who play games are more social than kids who don’t. Studies have also shown that games in which players help other characters may boost kids’ cooperative behavior.Playing video games is also a great way for kids to wind down, says psychologist Chris Ferguson, who has studied calming effects of gaming. “It seems to be an activity that soothes people and can reduce their stress.” (which, with ISTEP coming up, I need) [Note: ISTEP is the standardized educational progress test in Indiana] “They have a bad day, they play, they feel better."In a recent study in Germany, 23 adults played Super Mario 64 for at least half an hour every day for 2 months. Scientists then compared scans of the player’s brains before and after the experiment. They found that the tissue in some parts of the gamers’ brains got bigger. The bulked-up areas of the brain are used for tasks like remembering things and problem solving.Another study, this time in Michigan State University, claim gaming makes kids more creative. They asked 500 12-year-olds how much they played video games then had them take a creativity test. The kids who played video games the most got the highest scores, meaning they were the most creative (which I could use for my character design career).Also, I have 2 major things coming up. A Switch [Nintendo’s new gaming console] arriving, and a 5-hour-long drive to Holiday World. What can I do in the dark besides sleeping, that I can do to keep myself entertained for a period of time that requires nothing else besides an extra game or 2, and most of all, has so many positive factors to it? Well, gaming, of course!And I will make you this bet, I will spend 4 hours straight doing school things (i.e. study, viola, cleanout folders, etc. etc.) if it will get me ungrounded for the rest of the year.Also, I have been doing so many great things in school that you have just been blowing off. Remember my godly 250 on my L.A. MAPS? [Another language arts standardized test. I can’t find an exact scale for this, but 250 does seem rather high.] Or my 100+ in orchestra? Or my 2-quarter streak of A/B honor roll? Or the perfect 180/180 in math homework?And the only reason I got a 79% on the test is because I didn’t measure the angles correctly because my protractor was too big.At the very least, acknowledge the fact that this was so long and took so much time and effort to write.Alright, I’m done. My hand hurts.His petition worked. He was ungrounded soon after. Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: My Son's Orchestra Performance Near-DisasterPREVIOUS POST: Listen to Your Kids When They Talk to You

Listen to Your Kids When They Talk to You

In the endless noise that we encounter on social media, it can be tough for anything to grab our attention. However, as I scrolled through Facebook yesterday the following headline piqued my interest: 6 tips from Harvard psychologists who studied what it takes to raise “good” kids.That’s the sort of click bait headline that I usually ignore, but it caught me at the right moment, so I checked it out.While none of the tips are revolutionary, and most are probably done by caring, attentive parents, reminders and reinforcements are nice.First, spend time with your kids. There’s no substitute for this. You can’t shape your kids, know your kids, or listen to your kids if you don’t spend time with them. They’re going to be adults before you know it, and when that day comes, I guarantee no caring parent has ever said, “I wish I spent less time with my kids.”Second, always tell your child what he or she means to you. Don’t assume that your kids know how important they are to you, or that you love them. Show them all the time. Tell them all the time. Even if they roll their eyes. Don’t let them doubt it.Third, show them how to resolve problems and not run away from them. Quitters never win and winners never quit. That’s basically it.Fourth, teach them how to express gratitude. There’s no secret to this. Express gratitude and they’ll learn its importance.Fifth, help them understand and cope with their negative emotions. An inability to deal with anger, shame, envy, and frustration makes it harder for kids and adults to care for others.Sixth, show them that the world outside their world is big, complex, and interesting. The more we learn about people unlike us, and places with which we’re not familiar, the less scary those people and places are, and the easier it is to identify with and be good to them.All of these tidbits seem like good advice. If every parent implemented all of them, the world would be a better place, with kinder people.However, I think one big piece of advice is missing.Late yesterday afternoon I went to the grocery store with my six-year-old daughter. If we hit every red light between here and there we live five minutes away. On the way back from the grocery store she reminded me that perhaps the most important thing that any parent can do is to listen to their kid.Over the 1.8 miles we traveled home from the store, I learned the following.As we sat a stoplight, she saw a yellow fire hydrant that had attached to it a long metal stick, with a metal flag at the end. It had fallen toward the ground. “It looks like that fire hydrant is playing…” she pauses, obviously trying to think of something. “What’s that game where you hit a ball with a long stick and try to get it into a hole?”“Golf?”“Yeah, golf. That fire hydrant looks like it’s playing golf.”I know this post is about teaching our children, but I took some pride in my daughter’s golf ignorance. As I wrote a couple of years ago, golf sucks.But I didn’t tell her that golf sucks. Instead I told her she had a good imagination, and that she was right, the hydrant did look like a golfer.“Why is it just called golf?” she wanted to know next. “With a baseball you play baseball. With a basketball you play basketball. And football. And volleyball. Why don’t you play golfball with a golf ball?” I had no answer.Then, as we turned she saw a Right Turn Only sign. “There’s another of those signs telling us which way to turn. They should take those signs down. Let us go whichever way we want!” I didn’t even want to explain the meaning of the sign.As we pulled up to the house, she had one final topic. “Every time the people on the news talk about car accidents, they seem happy. Why are they happy?” I had no answer. But that didn’t stop her questions. “Do you have to pay to be on TV?”I don’t know if she learned anything in those five minutes, but I sure did. Actually, she reminded me she’s got a good imagination, she has a unique point-of-view, and she pays attention to the world around her.By engaging with her for those few minutes, she let me into her world. It’s easy to forget that kids don’t see things the same way we do. But if we pay attention to them, and listen to them, and engage with them, then sometimes they’ll let us into their world.Those invitations become more rare as our kids get older. It’s easy to think that maybe they just distance themselves from us as they get older. But perhaps, their world just becomes more like ours.They’ll be adults soon enough. We better listen to them as kids while we still can.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: I Wish I Could Live my Kids' DreamsPREVIOUS POST: You Should Go to Holiday World This Summer

You Should Go to Holiday World This Summer

Unless you live within a couple of hours of Evansville, Indiana, chances are high that you’ve never heard of Holiday World. In my conversations with various people over the years, not many have. But if you’re looking to take a not-too-long road trip this summer, then I command you to go to Holiday World.We first went in 2009 when a friend mentioned that her two young daughters preferred Holiday World over Disney World.What?After having just made our first trip to Disney World the previous October, we couldn’t imagine preferring any other theme park. But the more we heard, the better it sounded.Holiday World is in Santa Claus, Indiana. It’s not just a theme park, it’s a water park, too. Holiday World & Splashin’ Safari. It’s recognized as the first-ever theme park, opening as Santa Claus Land in 1946. It’s still owned and operated by the same family that started it. They keep putting money into the park and introduce new attractions each year, so there’s always something new to experience.When I tell people about Holiday World I inevitably begin listing all the reasons why we enjoy it so much. Such as:Thunderbird: A steel rollercoaster that propels you from 0-60 in like 3 seconds, and loops you upside down three or four times. And it’s the smoothest coaster you’ve ever been on.Mayflower: It’s a boat that swings back and forth like a pendulum. Looks rather tame. Until you sit in the back and feel your stomach churn at the moment of weightlessness, and wonder whether you’re going to plummet out of the boat as your body seems parallel to the ground.Splashin’ Safari: The water park section of the park. And don’t think this is just as couple of water slides. No. Water slides, wave pools, lazy rivers, and two of the coolest water rides you’ve ever been on. Which leads me to…Wildebeest: A water coaster. What the heck is a water coaster? I didn’t know either. But it’s a combination water slide and rollercoaster. You’re in a tube that seats four, all facing forward. The tube rides up an incline, like a roller coaster. Then you go over the edge and down the other side, but then special motors shoot you right back up another incline. You do this up and down, twist and turn action numerous times, becoming airborne, passing under waterfalls, and experiencing weightlessness. It. Is. Awesome.Mammoth: Similar to the Wildebeest, but a large tube with six or eight people sitting in a circle. The first time we rode this ride it malfunctioned and we got stuck at the top of an incline and had to be rescued. It was fantastic. It’s operated flawlessly ever since though.Animatronic old lady: There’s a ride called Gobbler Getaway, and in the queue there’s an animatronic old lady telling the story behind the ride. She’s sitting in a rocking chair and petting a cat that’s sitting on her lap. She’s creepy and cute at the same time.Food: Whether it’s a Thanksgiving feast, a reasonably-priced pizza, burgers, or tacos, there’s plenty of good stuff to eat. They’ve even got a chipotle black bean burger that is ridiculously tasty. It does take some extra time if you order the black bean burger though. I don’t think too many vegetarians make their way to Santa Claus.Junk food: Cotton candy. Churros. Deep fried Reese’s peanut butter cups. Dippin’ Dots. It’s a theme park. They’ve gotta have junk food. And they deliver. The red and blue swirl ice cream cones have been a longstanding tradition in our family, and they will not disappoint.Free drinks: Yes, I said free drinks. Every day. All day. And I’m not talking water fountains. No. They have Pepsi machines setup in small kiosks throughout the park. You grab a cup, help yourself to a drink whenever you want. No charge.Free sunscreen: It’s a water park. You’re going to spend hours in the sun. It’s summertime. You have to apply sunscreen to protect yourself. Holiday World makes it easy with sunscreen kiosks with gallon-size containers of sunscreen with a pump attached to the top.Memories: Go to Holiday World. I guarantee if you spend one day there you’ll experience things that you’ll remember forever. You’ll talk about the rides, the water, the food, the grounds, and the people you’re with. And you’ll wonder how you’ve never heard of this place.If I can tell you to do just one thing this summer, then I’m telling you to go to Holiday World. It’s 300 miles from Grant Park, so it’s a bit of a hike, but it’s worth it. It’s reasonably priced, tons of fun, and you’ll wonder how such a fantastic place can exist surrounded by nothing but rural Indiana farmland.I took my kids there this past Sunday, and we’re itching to go back. We’ve got season passes this year for the first time, so we’ll have plenty more days down there. We drove there and back in one day, which I don’t recommend unless you’re a serious fan of road trips.But that’s fine. Because at the end of the day, when you’re leaving Holiday World, you’ll think to yourself, I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!So get there this summer. And if you have any questions about it before you go, e-mail me!Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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The NFL Draft Reminded Me Why I Hate the NFL

It’s been many years since I abandoned the NFL. I can’t remember the last time that I paid attention for an entire season. It’s probably been at least twenty years. And it’s been more than a decade since I’ve watched an entire NFL game that wasn’t the Super Bowl. I can probably name fewer than half a dozen NFL players not named Jay Cutler or Tom Brady.However, I don’t think the NFL misses me. They’re still raking in billions of dollars per year; $13 billion in 2016 alone. After treading water for a few years, attendance rose in 2016. Whatever problems the NFL has, millions of Americans are willing to overlook them, and devote a significant amount of their time and money to the league.The main reason that I don’t watch the NFL anymore is that I just don’t like it. The games bore me, and I’d rather do other things with one-third of my Sundays.However, even if the NFL did interest me, I’d like to think that there are enough problems with the league that I’d still choose not to watch.I hate the league’s blatant denials and willful ignorance related to the fact that the game causes permanent brain damage and other physical disabilities in players.I hate that despite scientific evidence that playing this game will damage their brains, players will still choose to play.I hate that the average price of an NFL game ticket is almost $90.I hate that the NFL promotes Breast Cancer Awareness month, and sells tons of breast cancer merchandise claiming that a percentage of the proceeds goes to breast cancer research, and then donates just 10%.I hate that the NFL doesn’t know its own rules. What’s a catch? What’s a fumble? How can you hit a quarterback?I hate that the most successful team of the century has also been the team most often accused of cheating.But perhaps my most all-encompassing, will-this-ever-end hatred of the NFL is the hype. Every damn thing related to the NFL is treated as if it’s life or death. Perhaps this is related to the fact that an NFL team only plays 16 games per season. The Bears are the oldest NFL franchise, and in 97 seasons, they’ve only played 1,354 regular season games.The Cubs have played that many games since Obama became president.I guess it makes some sense that each individual game would seem more important. But, for the love of God, does that mean that some linebacker needs to jump around and celebrate as if he just single-handedly defeated ISIS, when all he really did was sack a quarterback in the first quarter of week 3?So of course that This is So Important tendency will trickle down to the fans. At some point devoting three hours on a Sunday afternoon wasn’t enough. Now there are pregame shows and post-game shows, and fantasy leagues, and power rankings, and mock drafts.When I first heard that fans could buy tickets to attend the NFL draft, I thought it was a joke. Now we don’t just want to watch the players play the game, we want to watch the front office people huddle around a conference table and decide who they’re going to pick?No doubt there are plenty of NFL draft t-shirts, hats, and bumper stickers sold during the three-day (because one day isn’t enough!) extravaganza.The combination of the NFL’s fully-immersive, almost obsessive fandom, coupled with the limited number of games played, means there’s a wide audience for the incessant analysis from football experts who work year-round to cover a game in which teams only play on 16 days.So fans are left with plenty of time to diagnose the shortcomings of their team. I’ve enjoyed listening to Bears fans over the years as they settle on one or another problem with their team.Jay Cutler was supposed to be the savior. Until he wasn’t.Lovie Smith was the problem. He was too laid back. Let’s get rid of him, despite a winning season. Four years later, they still haven’t matched the win total of Lovie’s last season.In Lovie’s last season the Bears were 3rd in defense and 16th in offense. “We need to focus more on offense!” The next season they were 2nd in offense and 30th on defense. They won two fewer games.Jay Cutler has been the scapegoat for a few seasons, as if the greatest quarterback ever would improve the team, so it’s back to “We need a better quarterback!”Last night at the NFL draft, the Bears traded four draft picks for someone who they think will be a better quarterback. “They gave up too many picks just to move from 3rd pick to the 2nd pick!”There are times that I think, “Maybe I’ll start watching the NFL again.”Nah.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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