We’re a week into November now, which means I’m about five pounds heavier than I was only six or seven days ago. I’ve got Halloween candy to “thank” for that. Although I blame my kids, too. They went to so many damn houses, and scored such a variety of candy that I haven’t grown tired of any of it yet. I just keep eating and eating.If they’ve noticed that their Halloween stash declines by a piece or two in the hours between when they go to bed and when they wake up, they haven’t mentioned it to me.(Mental note: Make sure the kids don’t read this post.)In my defense, I haven’t been mindlessly shoving candy into my mouth. I’ve paid attention to what I’ve been eating this week, and I’ve come to a few conclusions. So here are lessons from, and reflections of, a veteran Halloween candy plunderer.Chocolate is king. When you purchase the Halloween candy you intend to pass out next year, keep this fact in mind. Nothing will make little ghosts and goblins (and their pillaging parents) happier than chocolate.It may be tempting to get a bag of Smarties or SweeTarts or suckers, but just keep in mind, that by handing out something other than chocolate, you’re not giving these kids what they truly want. And considering that kids say “Trick or treat” when the come to your door, it might behoove you to ensure they’re happy with the treat you provide, lest you be on the receiving end of a flaming bag of dog crap, toilet papered trees, or some other hilarious trick.You’ve been warned.Everything else is second. Now, don’t think for a second that if I open my kids’ trick-or-treat bag and all of the chocolate is gone that I’m not going to take something. Twizzlers are good, and I’ve been known to indulge in a pack of Smarties every now and then. It’s hard to go wrong with Pixy Stix, too. I mean what kid wouldn’t love a tube of sugar?And although chocolate is superior to every other candy, there are some problems with chocolate.First, let’s stop with this Fun Size bullshit. I don’t know what kind of sick marketing expert decided to call the smallest candy bars Fun Size, but they’re liars. There’s nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it gives you just a taste of its goodness, and then it’s gone, leaving you wanting more.Fun Size candy bars are the equivalent of baseball team losing in the postseason before they get to the World Series. It’s better than nothing, and no one would ever turn it down, but let’s not pretend it’s the best choice. Fun Size should be the best. Fun Size should be bigger than King Size.Also, just because something is chocolate, let’s not assume it’s good. There are exceptions to the Chocolate is King rule.Like Hershey bars, for example. They’re good. I eat them. But why do they taste so chemically? Maybe it’s because it’s just plain milk chocolate, but something always tastes a little off with a Hershey bar. Miraculously, when almonds are added the bar makes a complete turn around, ascends to greatness.
Almond Joy is fantastic. The coconut is delicious, and the almonds are there to up the ante. But why the hell is it milk chocolate? Those should be dark chocolate. Mounds is Almond Joy without the almond, but with the dark chocolate. Why can’t they figure out that they need to move the dark chocolate from Mounds to Almond Joy? True, sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t, but I always feel like dark chocolate over milk chocolate.I eat candy year round. M&M’s, (Peanut Butter) Twix, Reese’s, (Peanut Butter) Snickers, and Junior Mints find their way into my hand all the time. So why is it that there are so many candy bars that I only eat after I’ve stolen them from my kids’ trick-or-treat bag?Mr. Goodbar. I love those, but I don’t think I’ve ever bought one. Krackel. Is that even a full-size candy bar? I think I’ve only seen the miniature (not Fun Size) version of those. They’re good, and I sometimes steal them from candy trays I find in various offices at work, but 95% of the Krackel bars I’ve consumed in my life have been given to me or my children by strangers.The chocolate supply in the trick-or-treat bags is dwindling. There are only a few pieces left, and I live by one rule when stealing from my kids: don’t take the last piece of anything. So I think I’m just about done with Halloween candy for the year. My belt thanks me.Oh, one last thing. Each of my kids came home with packets of taco sauce from Taco Bell and honey from Popeyes in their trick-or-treat bag. And if I find out which house is responsible for that grotesqueness, I’ve got a dozen eggs with their address on them.I’m kidding. (Sort of.)Click here to receive an e-mail each time I write a new post! Guaranteed spam-free, unsubscribe any time IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Hey Kids, Michelle Obama Didn't Make your School LunchPREVIOUS POST: Teaching Kids How to Blow Bubbles Provides a Parenting Rarity: Immediate Results