What I've Learned from HGTV

My wife and I spend some time watching HGTV. We usually watch the same three or four shows. (Different episodes of course!)Since HGTV doesn’t pay me to advertise for them, I won’t mention the show titles. However, as far as I can tell, HGTV only has three types of shows. One is a show where people buy a new house, and another is a show where people fix the house they already have, and the last is a show where people buy a new house and then fix it.(Yes, they’ve actually created an entire TV channel based on such activities. And they have somehow convinced people to watch!)Over the past few years, as a result of hundreds of hours of HGTV viewing, I’ve concluded that there are certain “must-haves” to make a house suitable for human habitation.Let’s begin in the kitchen. It’s basically impossible to make a decent meal unless you have a gourmet kitchen. In case you’re not a faithful HGTV viewer, let me explain what makes a kitchen gourmet.First, it must have granite countertops. If it doesn’t have granite countertops, then you’re morally obligated to rip those suckers out and replace them. Your food will not taste right if you prep it on a laminate countertop. You ignore this warning at your own risk! And if you’re unfortunate enough to have a ceramic tile countertop…well, just be thankful that grocers will even still sell to you.By the way, if you’re a trendy hipster, a butcher block countertop is an acceptable alternative to granite, especially if you don’t mind a little salmonella with your food.Second, your appliances must be stainless steel. Not black, not white. Stainless steel. This is vital. If your appliances are not stainless steel, get ‘em out of there! They’ll probably burn your pizza, rot your meat, or melt your plastic. (None of those are euphemisms.)By the way, invest in some Windex and soft towels, because although the steel might be stainless, it’s a haven for fingerprints.Third, your range must have restaurant-sized burners. If you think a plain old 12,000 BTU residential burner is going to boil that water for your spaghetti, you’ve got another thing coming. Do you think Chef Boyardee uses a residential range?Don’t worry though, at least you’ll have the appropriate range to go with the gargantuan range hood required in a gourmet kitchen. So if you happen to accidentally light a towel on fire when you’re moving that 50,000-BTU-warmed pot of spaghetti from the stovetop, at least you won’t have to worry about the kitchen filling with smoke.That’ll do it for the kitchen, but I’ve learned things about the rest of the house, too.Let’s start with the general design. It must be open concept. The more open, the better. Walls just close everything off. Now that you’ve got that gourmet kitchen, you’ll have to have a dinner party. And if you’re having a dinner party, you’ve got to talk to your guests while you’re cooking.By the way, cleaning is not a part of the home or the garden, apparently, because I’ve never seen any advice on what to do when you’re trying to eat your fancy dinner and all of your guests have a clear view of the pile of pots and pans overflowing from the large farmhouse sink.If you’re one of those weirdos that don’t have dinner parties, it’s still important to have an open concept. You’ll want to be able to keep an eye on the kids while you’re making dinner.By the way, if you can swing it, you might want to add a butler’s pantry to your gourmet kitchen. That way you’ll have somewhere to sneak off to and take a swig of whiskey since your kids can see everything in your new open concept house.A few last pieces of advice:If you’re looking for a new house, don’t be surprised if your realtor only shows you three houses and then makes you choose one. This is perfectly normal, even if one of them is over budget, one is on a busy road, and one means that your spouse will have to commute three hours to work.Also, after you buy that charming hundred-year-old house, the one which you love so much that you’re now going to gut and renovate it, all of those problems that the realtor told you would be “easy fixes” will turn out to be giant pains.Just don’t scrimp on the granite.You should subscribe to this blog, don't you think? That way you'll never forget to come back. Forgetting is bad. So why don't you just type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.

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It's Eat Whatever You Want Day!

My kids start school in two days, which means today’s the last Sunday of the summer. In the Baker household, that makes today the 2nd Annual Eat Whatever You Want day.It’s exactly what it sounds like.Last year my wife and I came up with Eat Whatever You Want day as a sort of last hurrah for summer. Every year we try to make summer a big deal around here. Although there are plenty of hours in which the kids sit in front of any one of their assorted screens, our goal is to pack as many fun (meaning non-video-game-related) things into the summer as we can.Eat Whatever You Want day is the culinary, gluttonous, and irresponsible aspect of our summer fun.Here’s how it worked this year: each of the four kids gave us a list of items they wanted to eat today. None of them went too crazy with their requests. Surprisingly, when you tell a kid that he can eat anything he wants, he’ll have a hard time coming up with a decent list.In addition, we also told them that they could choose one restaurant at which they’d eat one meal, and also what they wanted for their other meals.Again, their responses weren’t what you’d think. We had a couple that chose pizza, one who told us she’d get back to us, and one who pretty much ignored our request.At the grocery store this morning I filled the cart with all sorts of things that I never buy. Here’s what it looked like all spread out.My delay in getting the requested food pushed breakfast (Fudgesicles for two kids, half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for another, and almost an entire package of refrigerated hash browns for the third) back to eleven o’clock.That made it difficult to fit in lunch and dinner, so the afternoon was filled with assorted snacks, and then dinner. No restaurants today. We simply ran out of time.There’s cheesecake on the horizon, before the kids settle in to an almost-normal bedtime. (Another of the Baker summer rules is no bedtime. This led to numerous nights of the clock striking midnight with everyone still up and at ‘em. Weeknight shmeeknight.)I joked with my wife that next weekend should be You Eat What We Want You to Eat day, but no sense in kicking them when they’re down, and I think they’re down about the end of summer.My wife and I are down about it, too.I’ve written before about how I’ve chosen to live vicariously through my children during the summer. I get just as excited as they do about the end of the school year. And when those Back to School ads start appearing after the Fourth of July, I want to go into Target and start knocking over displays of markers, glue and notebooks.Nothing will ruin a summer like dad spending time in the pokey though, so I stay away from Target. Instead I just mutter bad words to myself whenever a commercial comes on TV that shows some well-dressed kid with his chipper smile and enthusiasm about going back to school. I haven’t been in a fistfight since kindergarten, but I swear I always wanted to pack an extra knuckle sandwich in my lunch box for kids like that.For a couple of weeks now my wife and I have been saying things like, “It’ll be good to get back on a schedule,” and “It can’t be vacation all the time.”Those are just things we say to try and fool ourselves that going back to school doesn’t suck.Unfortunately, the only thing that sucks worse than that is being dumb. So while I’d like to extend summer vacation indefinitely, that’s just not realistic. The kids have to learn. There are books to read, and math problems to solve, and historical facts to memorize.They might even learn that ice cream for breakfast is a bad idea.Whatever. I’m not concerned about that. It’s summer. It’s Eat Whatever You Want Day.And that means tonight is Drink Whatever I Want Night.Time to get started.Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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