Try as I might—and that’s a little bit dishonest because I haven’t really tried that hard—I can’t bring myself to like golf. I realize this puts me at odds with just about every other male of my generation, but who cares?My friends play golf regularly, and about once a year they talk me into joining them for eighteen holes. I always have a good time for about fourteen holes, and then I start thinking, “Damn, another hole?”The best part about golfing is hanging out with my friends. The actual golfing just gets in the way.Sportswriter John Feinstein wrote a book about golf entitled A Good Walk Spoiled, and that’s sort of how I feel about the game. I like green grass, I like being outside, I like going for walks. Why the hell do I have to carry a club and chase a little ball around while I do it?And shouldn’t this game be easier than it is? If I’m just hitting a ball (which isn’t moving), toward a hole (which is also stationary), and I get numerous chances to succeed, then what’s so hard about it?That’s what the inventors of the game figured out after they played it for the first time. So then they came up with the cockamamie rule that whoever takes the fewest hits wins.Golf has to be the only game in which the best player is the person who does the least. You watch Tiger Woods and if he’s having a great day he’ll only hit the ball 65 times. If he’s having a bad day he’ll hit it 80 times. So I’d always root for him to have a bad day so I can see him hit the ball more.By the way, notice that I refer to golf as a game, and not a sport. It’s not a sport. If you can play a game with a cigar in your mouth and sit in a cart and drink beer between turns, it’s not a sport. It is more of a sport than hunting (give the deer guns and teach them to shoot, then it’s a sport!), but it’s still not a sport.I mentioned beer. It’s very common to see people drinking beer on the golf course while playing. This makes perfect sense. There’s a famous quote by Benjamin Franklin that goes something like, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” If the universe must always be in balance, then it’s appropriate to drink beer while playing golf, since golf is proof that God hates us and likes to piss us off.And what’s more maddening than just suddenly losing the ball that you’re using to play the game? And not just losing it, but losing it in a little pond in the middle of the course.That’s all sorts of crazy.One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen happened near a golf course when I was twelve years old. I was in a car with my dad, my friend, and his dad on the way to a Cubs game. We passed a golf course where a bunch of guys on the green, and my dad yelled out the window, “Fore!” Those guys practically collapsed to the ground. I’m sure that’s a violation of some golf etiquette, but it makes me laugh every time I think about it.That brings me to the question of silence.Why is it custom to be quiet when someone’s getting ready to hit the ball? Alex Rodriguez is supposed to hit a baseball traveling 95 miles per hour while some drunk Red Sox fan screams the lyrics to Papa Don’t Preach, but God forbid anyone so much as sneeze when Phil Mickelson is getting ready to hit a ball resting on a tee.And don’t even get me started on the terminology. Par means you did average, so you want to be below par. But if you’re like me, you’re no good, so you need a few extra strokes. Yet someone describing my golfing abilities would say that they’re not up to par, even though I’m above par!A good walk spoiled, indeed.You should subscribe to this blog, don't you think? That way you'll never forget to come back. Forgetting is bad. So why don't you just type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
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