I Created New Pokemon for My Son's Birthday

My oldest son turned thirteen years old yesterday. He’s one of my favorite people in the world. He’s got a sharp mind, kind soul, and is quick to laugh. But one of his best qualities is his excitability.The kid likes what he likes, and if you spent ten minutes with him you’d know what he likes and you’d see his passion for it. One of the things that he likes most is Pokemon. He’s been deep into it for years, and shows no signs of letting up.He’s got Pokemon video games, trading cards, and figures. He’s drawn Pokemon, created them from perler beads, and even eaten pizzas with pepperoni arranged to look like a Poke Ball.In case you’ve never taken the deep dive into the Pokeverse, let me explain. Pokemon are characters in a video game and card game, and they have special powers. There are hundreds of them and the object of the game is to create your own team by choosing Pokemon that complement each other and will do battle against another player’s team by using special powers such as fireballs, smashes, floods, and other things that I don’t understand.There are hundreds of Pokemon, and my son knows them all. Even if you don’t know anything about the game it’s fun to sit down with him and quiz him and marvel at how much he’s memorized.I sometimes makeup Pokemon names to make him think that he doesn’t know them all. I can’t tell if this amuses him or annoys him. Often he rolls his eyes, says, “No, that doesn’t exist,” and then keeps on talking.So in honor of his birthday I’ve decided to create some Pokemon based on my son’s personality. I can’t draw, so we’ll have to stick with verbal descriptions rather than visual representations.Sleepamore—This Pokemon has a special power that he uses to make sleep more efficient. Ben often stays up late and wakes up early on days he doesn’t have school so he can maximize his gaming/drawing/hanging out time. Sleepamore would let him get ten hours of sleep in just six hours.Maxcacopun—This Pokemon is the king of bad puns. (My younger son’s root word studies at school have taught me that caco means bad.) My son comes up with puns as easily as most people breathe. He came up with my favorite ever last fall when we were in a corn maze with his siblings. One of us joked that we were just going to trample over the corn to get out, and someone else said that we shouldn’t because it would be illegal. Without missing a beat my son said, “What are you going to do? Call the cobs on me?” Genius.Muteanote—This Pokemon might turn out to be his favorite. Whenever a song came on the radio that he didn’t like, and one of his siblings refused to turn it off, he could employ Muteanote to end the cacophony. (Bad sound. Thank you fifth grade.) There’s already a Pokemon called Mewtwo, so I like that Muteanote has a similar ring to it.Vaultexcite—This Pokemon might be the most useful Pokemon ever created for the entire world. She has the power to corral my son’s excitement and store it for later use. Perhaps when things get a bit too humdrum, others can tap into the vault and get some excitement for themselves. And believe me, there’s no excitement that can match a kid’s excitement on a snow day, or opening birthday presents, or smelling his favorite meal cooking for dinner!Everfloat—This Pokemon never leaves the water. Ever. On a summer day at the beach everyone else will be out of the water, discussing where to have dinner, having had their fill of water, sand, and sun, but Everfloat remains in the lake, perhaps floating on a boogie board, unwilling to end the fun until he has no other choice. Sounds like a kid I know.I suspect my son won’t find these Pokemon in the Pokedex (directory of all Pokemon) any time soon, but that doesn’t matter. It’ll give me a few go-to names when trying to stump him before he tells me, “Better luck next time!”Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

PREVIOUS POST: My Son's Baseball Obsession Has Reawakened My Baseball ObsessionIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Pokemon North American International Championships notes from a Novice

My Son's Baseball Obsession Has Reawakened My Baseball Obsession

Sometime around fourth or fifth grade I engaged in one of the most pointless debates to ever occur in an elementary school. It was late 1987 or 1988, and another kid in my grade and I debated the merits of the Cubs’ 1982 first round draft selection.The Cubs had the first pick and they chose Shawon Dunston, instead of Dwight Gooden, who went to the Mets with the fifth pick. The other kid asserted that the Cubs were idiots for picking Dunston, and I asserted that they were smart because Dunston was actually a better player at that point than Gooden.For the record, I was wrong. At the time Gooden was one of the best pitchers of all-time, and even though he couldn’t maintain that level of performance, he had a solid career. Dunston played a long time, and while he had some solid seasons, he never reached the performance pinnacle that Gooden did.But the validity of the argument didn’t matter to me then. I was hell bent on defending the Cubs and one of their players because the Cubs were my team. Every other team in the league, and every other player in the league fell into the same category: Not the Cubs.And therefore, deserving of my scorn.I’m reminded of this episode in my baseball fandom from thirty years ago because for the past year I’ve watched my eleven-year-old son transform from a casual baseball observer to a baseball obsessive.When the Cubs made the postseason last year, he watched with interest and increasing excitement. He stayed up late to watch games, he learned the names of most of the players on the Cubs, and he lost perfect attendance at school to attend the World Series rally. (The only day of school he missed all year!)This season he’s kicked things into overdrive.He planned his days this summer around when the Cubs were on. When not watching the Cubs he was watching baseball highlight videos on YouTube, or playing as the Cubs on a video game. Most of the time he did both at once. He studies stats, he looks at schedules, he listens to broadcasts. He knows players around the league, and can probably recite the current standings.The kid has turned into a fan.But, like his dad, he’s also turned into an anti-fan. And, honestly, I take great delight in that, too!His Dwight Gooden is Clayton Kershaw. If he has to hear one more person mention how great Clayton Kershaw is I’m quite certain he’s going to punch someone in the face.He takes great joy in every Dodgers loss. On a recent trip to Holiday World he wanted to pummel every Cardinal fan we saw. Luckily, his fifth grade teacher is a Cubs fan. I suspect he’d refuse to go to school if he had to take instruction from a White Sox fan.This is typical behavior from boys who are passionate about sports. The emotions and the expression of those emotions are the same, it’s only the players and the teams that change.I’m happy that he has become so excited about baseball. The time I spent looking at baseball cards, talking to my dad about baseball history, studying the Baseball Encyclopedia, and watching baseball games provided some of the best memories of my childhood.However, throughout my twenties and thirties my obsession with the game and with the Cubs decreased. I still followed the game and the team, but not to the extent I had when I was a kid. I lost track of many of the players around the league. In a recent game against the Braves I didn’t recognize a single name in the Braves’ lineup. Yet I still remember the lineup of the 1991 Braves team that lost in the World Series.But as my son’s interest in the game has grown deeper, it has rekindled my own obsession with it. I find myself seeking out highlights of games from the previous day, and I check the standings every morning. Baseball-reference.com is the best website on the entire internet. And I’m pulling little-known trivia from the deep recesses of my mind to share with my son.Perhaps someday my son will come to appreciate Kershaw’s performance of the past few years in the same way that I’ve come to appreciate Gooden’s performance in the mid eighties.But for now Kershaw might as well be Satan in the eyes of my son. And that’s fine. That’s the way it should be for kids who love baseball. He doesn’t need to see beyond that.His recent obsession with the game has reminded me of what I love about it, and for that I am thankful.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

PREVIOUS POST: The White House Seeks Advice, and I ObligeIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: I've Hated the Mets for a Long Time

The White House Seeks Advice, and I Oblige

Dear Dry it in the Water,I’m writing to you because I’m stuck in a situation, and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m rather well-known, so forgive me if I’m being too vague. But I’m afraid that if I gave you all of the details then I’d suffer intense repercussions. Things are bad enough now. I don’t want to make them worse.I’m old. More than two hundred years old, in fact. I got a bunch of work done almost seventy years ago, which gave me a new lease on life. I’m the same on the outside, but the outside is never the problem. (Except that time the British set me on fire, but I’ve let that go.)It’s the inside. My insides are always subject to such hardships. I’ve been subject to the crudeness of LBJ, and the darkness of Nixon, and the aloofness of Reagan, and the stuffiness of the first Bush, and the cigars of Clinton. To say nothing of the other guys, none of whom were great to me. Except Ford. That guy was decent. They should have kept him around.Anyway, my problem is with the new guy. I don’t want to be specific, but his name rhymes with Dump, which is what he’s turning me into.You’ll probably realize that I’ve always been associated with a particular color, white. It’s classic and sophisticated. Subtle, but respectful. It says, “I’m important, but I don’t have to tell you that I’m important.”For the past seven months I’ve been undergoing a change. It started when he came over before the ceremony. I heard him mumble to some guy, “Yes, all of the doorknobs.” I sort of ignored him, because I hear people say crazy things all the time, and I’m able to shut them out.Bad move.As soon as everyone left in their fancy cars a whole team came in and changed every single doorknob to a gold plated knob. Two guys spent four hours doing nothing but shining the knobs after they were installed.It’s been downhill ever since. Gold cutlery, gold china, gold curtains everywhere, new gold-framed mirrors in every bathroom. He installed gold carpet throughout the residence. It’s atrocious.And the smells!Do you realize the amount of cologne in this place? Most people know that cologne isn’t a substitute for hygiene. Most people know that. Not all people.The food is horrendous. The garden’s gone. Sure, it might still be somewhere out there on the grass, but they’re not growing anything. And if they are growing anything, it’s not making its way into the house. Stuffy Bush banned broccoli years ago, but he loved other veggies.Not this guy. He loves Taco Bell, KFC, and the surf and turf dinner from Long John Silver’s. Every night around dinner I want to puke because I smell so bad, and then I remember that I don’t have a stomach. This stuff gets into my bones. I feel sorry for the next guy. They’re never going to get that stench out of the Lincoln bedroom.But the worst thing I see—in fact, the worst thing I’ve ever seen—happens just about every night. At around two o’clock in the morning, he comes down from the residence.His hair’s messed up. You should see it when it’s messed up. It looks that like ornamental grass that’s so popular in some neighborhoods now. It’s stringy, and long, you’ll have a bunch of it here, and then nothing over there, and then a bunch more over there. And from what I hear they cut it back every fall, and then just let it grow for another year until they cut it again.He’s wearing a robe. It’s a gold cotton robe and it looks like it hasn’t been washed in two decades. It’s got his last name on the back, written in glitter. Most guys get something with the presidential seal on it. That’s a big deal. Not this guy. To him he’s the biggest deal.He’s wearing slippers. Some things can never be unseen, and watching him meander around my halls, wearing a robe with no pants, black socks, and gold fuzzy slippers that look like they belonged to Charro in 1985 has scarred me in a way that no British soldiers could.It is the absolute worst. And it’s only been seven months. I’ve got more than three years left of this. What am I going to do?I make weird noises at night in the hopes that it’ll scare him off and he’ll resign just so he won’t have to stay here anymore, but it hasn’t worked. Instead it makes him wander the halls. Why do you think he tweets so much? Twitter is his cuddle blanket.I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I have no answers. Please help.Sincerely,La Casa BlancaDear Casa,Thank you for your letter. We’ve prepared a care package for you. Enclosed you’ll find Febreze, Pine-Sol, and a sleep mask. That should help you make it through.I know this is a difficult time for you. You have our sympathy. There has to be a dungeon there, right? I mean Nixon. Clinton. There has to be a dungeon.I’m not telling you what to do, but do the words “lock the door and throw away the key” mean anything to you?Good luck!Dry it in the WaterThis was written as part of Blogapalooz-Hour, ChicagoNow's monthly writing exercise. Tonight we were challenged to choose any previous Blogapalooz-Hour topic, so I chose the first ever topic, from September 2013, "Give advice to a person, place, or thing."Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

PREVIOUS POST: We're a Country Without a LeaderIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: What I've Learned from HGTV

We're a Country Without a Leader

Don’t look now, but we’re a country with no leader.There are certain times when the entire country, regardless of political affiliation, turns toward the president for leadership. In times of crisis the office of the presidency has the grandeur and gravity to help provide the stability and confidence to help guide us through chaos.I was no fan of George W. Bush, but in the days after 9/11 his genuine compassion and concern for the victims, and the country in general, were very helpful. And Barack Obama’s steady empathy every time this country suffered from its most shameful accepted weakness—gun violence—helped bring us back from the edge of madness and despair.As much as I prefer not to think about it, there will be a day soon where something horrible will happen in the United States and 300 million people will look toward the Oval Office for comfort, guidance, and reassurance.And the current occupant will respond with some diatribe that makes him seem like a melding of Kim Jong Un, David Duke, and Dirty Harry.If we’re lucky, a speechwriter will prepare remarks for him, and he’ll deliver those remarks without ad-libbing. But even if he doesn’t say anything to alienate the majority of Americans who don’t share his repugnant view of the world, we’ll know that he’s speaking someone else’s words. We’ll know that he’s a fake. Sad.You’ll remember from your high school civics class that the United States has three branches of government: legislative, judicial, and executive. The three branches are supposed to provide checks and balances on each other. When it comes to governing none of the three are more powerful than the others. However, when it comes leadership and providing direction for the country, the president stands alone.We are in a leadership vacuum.I will not follow this president. He has shown throughout his campaign and his term in office that he lacks the judgment, temperament, patience, and humility required to serve in the Oval Office. This is more than just a difference of opinion on policy, such as I experienced during the Bush presidency. An amoral, anti-intellectual, self-centered malice defines this man’s character, and to follow him anywhere is to put our future as a country, and our personal futures as people, in jeopardy.So if the president refuses to fulfill one of the core requirements of the office—leadership—then to whom do we turn? How long can we continue as a country without a leader?Congress can’t lead. The 535 members cannot act as one voice. And even if they could, we don’t need leadership by committee.We might turn to those in “leadership” positions in Congress, but they’ve shown for years that they care about little more than scoring a victory for their side. Mitch McConnell “led” the Senate with the sole goal of defeating everything Obama wanted to do, even if Obama wanted to do something with which McConnell agreed. Paul Ryan can’t get the members of his own party in the House to follow him, and he has cowered to Trump every time he has had the opportunity to stand up to him.Democrats have no leader. Of the three most popular Democrats in the country, two of them are former presidents, and one of them just ran for president and lost. Democrats in Congress are tainted by Congressional Stink, and Democrats in state offices aren’t well-known enough to provide real leadership to the entire country.The vice president is an ideologue, and during his time as a governor showed that unless you’re a white Christian male, he has little concern for you and no interest in what you have to say. No one has benefitted from Trump’s election victory more than Mike Pence. And the fact that he accepted Trump’s offer to serve as his running mate and vice president shows that he lacks the judgment to lead. He’ll never wash the Trump stench from his soul.(I’m reminded of the old Groucho Marx quote: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” I refuse to follow any person who thought serving with Trump would be a good idea. Pence’s decision to do so eliminates from consideration for future positions of authority.)The most consistent leadership this year has come from journalists. Men and women who this president continues to marginalize are doing good, well-researched, substantial, truthful work. Made-up stories from illegitimate sources that exist for no other reason than to get people to click helped put Trump in office, but this work from Real News sources will help remove him.Donald Trump is good at making people afraid. He’s good at shirking responsibility and deflecting blame. He’s good at attacking others, and starting fights. He’s good at lying.But he cannot lead this country.For the sake of us all, I hope we find someone that can do so.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

PREVIOUS POST: Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump Should Settle This in the RingIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: The Truth About The A-Team Van Changed my Life

Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump Should Settle This in the Ring

In case you thought that the president might have regretted threatening “fire and fury” upon North Korea, you needn’t worry. The next day Kim Jong Trump told reporters that he thought maybe his words weren’t tough enough.In referring to North Korea, the president said, “They’ve been doing this to our country for a long time, for many years, and it’s about time that somebody stuck up for the people of this country and for the people of other countries.”Oh, I misunderstood. The president’s threatening war because he’s just sticking up for us. Great. I feel so safe. So defended. With “friends” like him, who needs enemies?I’m not going to trash the president though. I’m going to do something that appears to be outside of his skill set: I’m going to problem solve.Regardless of previous actions, leadership, agreements, and violations, the basic problem that the world faces today is that narcissistic, egomaniacal, short-sighted mad men are in charge of both North Korea and the United States, and both of these men have nuclear weapons at their disposal.It’s possible that the president could lose his temper, send an early-morning tweet, piss off his mad man counterpart, and launch us into a nuclear holocaust. And, of course, all of this would happen from the comfort of his gaudy gold-plated resort at Bedminster, and he’d be safe. Meanwhile, the little guy in North Korea can lob a missile toward Guam or L.A. or Chicago, and tens of thousands of innocent people would die.All because two intellectually small men with bad haircuts have decided to have a pissing match.Who are the real losers in all of this? The citizens of North Korea and the United States.When Muhammad Ali resisted being drafted during the Vietnam War he said, “I ain’t got no quarrel with them Vietcong.” I feel the same about North Korea. I’ve never met a North Korean, but I imagine they’re good people. They’ve had the terrific bad luck of being born into a country with horrific leadership, but that’s not their fault.And I would hope that some 39-year-old dad in Pyongyang doesn’t hate me just because I’m an American. He doesn’t want Trump to kill him and I don’t want Kim Jong Un to kill me.So what to do?Instead of using the armies, and weapons, and citizens of their countries as the ammunition for their battles of insecurity, I propose that we demand that Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump settle this mano a mano, hand to hand, man to man.Donald Trump’s going to stickup for me? Great. He can get his ass in the ring and beat the shit out of Kim Jong Un.Just imagine, Trump could promote it as the biggest fight ever. No fight has ever been bigger than that fight. I can hear it now: “People say that the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr was the biggest duel in history, but just wait until I totally destroy Kim Jong Un. I’ll beat him down like he’s never been beat down before.”Trump’s most-liked tweet since taking office is the ridiculous video from his wrestling days that is doctored to show him attacking CNN. If more than six hundred thousand people liked that tweet, imagine how many people would like to see him pummel Kim Jong Un.They could setup a wrestling ring enclosed in a steel cage. Two men go in. Only one makes it out. And the winner gets to gloat for the rest of his life, which should have great appeal for a man who can’t stop gloating about winning an election in which he received fewer votes.With its recent focus in the news, it only makes sense to stage the showdown in Guam. Kim Jong Un might object since Guam is part of America, and thus Trump’s territory, but we could make him watch Rocky IV. If Rocky can win over the Soviet crowd, then Kim Jong Un can win over an American crowd in Guam, can’t he? Especially if the alternative is to cheer for Trump.One more benefit of holding the match in Guam: coconuts! I suspect neither man has had many real, physical fights. So each man gets to bring one coconut into the ring with him to use as he sees fit. Just ask Gilligan how much damage a coconut to the head can do.I have no doubt Trump can find someone willing to train him for the showdown. I’m sure Chuck Norris is a Trump fan. He can help. And Steven Seagal is now a citizen of Russia, and since Russians like to help Trump so much, I’m sure he’d help, too.Whatever the outcome, we’ll know the real winners: the citizens of America and North Korea.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Some Questions for President TrumpPREVIOUS POST: 11 Things to Teach my Son Who Just Turned 11

Eleven Things to Teach my Son Who Just Turned Eleven

My youngest son turns eleven years old today. I’m not sure how that happened. I suspect it’s because eleven years have passed since his birth, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. Time is on hyperdrive. It sucks.But regardless of what I think, time’s not going to slow down. I spent the evening at a bar and grill watching the Cubs game with him, and at one point he suggested that we move to the bar. I told him that maybe we could do that in ten years, and I got suddenly sad because I realized that ten years will pass in a few minutes.Between now and then we’ve got some things to do. He’s only eleven years old, and even though he’s so damn smart, there are still things that he doesn’t know. So now that he’s eleven here are eleven things that I need to teach him, in no particular order.1. How to ride a bike no-handed. The kid picked up bike riding skills rather quickly, and he’s very enthusiastic about it, so the next big thing is to figure out how to do it with no hands. I didn’t learn how to do so until I was eighteen or nineteen years old, and it made my year, so if he learns how to do it when he’s eleven I’m sure nothing else will matter. Unfortunately, I’m not really sure how to teach him. “Let go and keep your balance.” That’s it, isn’t it?2. It doesn’t matter how well he plays basketball. Seriously, the entire game is trying to throw a ball through a circle. I mean it’s sort of a glorified Grand Prize Game, is it not? Yet he gets so frustrated when he doesn’t make shots. And he doesn’t even have Bozo feeding the ball to him.3. He doesn’t have to hate every player not on the Cubs. I remember how much hatred I had for Doc Gooden, and Will Clark, and Zane Smith, and every other player who ever did well against the Cubs. I wish I could explain to my son that someday you’ll just appreciate how well those players played the game, and that three-run homer against the Cubs isn’t the end of the world, no matter how much it may seem like it.4. Read John Steinbeck. He's a great reader. He's very empathic. John Steinbeck is the perfect author for him, and even though he's a little young, I think it's time.5. R.E.M. is a great band. The kid absorbs whatever music I throw at him. Johnny Cash, Jack White, Rolling Stones, Catfish and the Bottleman. He’ll listen to anything. I’ve only scratched the surface with R.E.M. though, and he needs to know more.6. Everything he creates has value. Original thought is hard to come by. He makes me laugh on a daily basis, and it’s always a result of some original thought in his brain. Copying others, or mimicking what works for them might make him successful, but he’ll do best when he’s using his own brain.7. Enjoy the cicadas. Every summer I drill into my kids' heads that cicadas are the sound of summer. But I want him to understand that it's not about the insects, or the season, but the temporariness of everything.8. Tomatoes are better than pop tarts. He’s the most adventurous eater of all of my kids. But every kid could use a reminder of what’s healthy and what’s not. He doesn’t buy his own food, so this should be a relatively easy lesson to teach.9. Although he gets almost all A's in elementary school, it’s not life or death. Someday he may struggle and we'll act like it's a big deal. It's not. There's plenty of time to improve.10. He’s only eleven once. It’s easy to want to rush things, like driving, getting a job, having a sip of my beer. That’ll all come quick enough. Best to slow down, enjoy being eleven.11. I love him. He’ll never understand how much. No kid ever will until they have kids of their own. But I’ll be damned if I won’t do my best to express it to him.So that’s it. We’ve got a busy year ahead of us. I can’t wait to get started!Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: How My Son Learned That Being a Sports Fan Usually Ends in DisappointmentPREVIOUS POST: Doofenshmirtz and I Spend the Day Together

Doofenshmirtz and I Spend the Day Together

When I read the challenge for tonight’s Blogapalooz-Hour—“What fictional character (or characters) would you most like to spend time with and what would you do together?”—two people came to mind right away: Hannibal Lecter and Willy Wonka.I think it’s just coincidence that hanging out with either of them would probably result in some rather unique meals. Although what I’d really like to see is Hannibal Lecter go to Willy Wonka’s factory. I bet there aren’t too many places where Hannibal isn’t the weirdest guy in the room.I’m sure I could have written a few hundred words on either of those fools, but they seemed too obvious. So I read the challenge to my six-year-old daughter and asked whom she thought I should write about. She said, “Me!”She was only slightly disappointed to find out that fictional meant not real. Then she said, “Dr. Doofensmhirtz.” And I said, “Perfect!”First, I understand there’s a good chance that you’re not familiar with Dr. Doofensmhirtz. Unless you have children under 12, you’ve probably never heard of him. If you do know who he is then you know how awesome he is.Dr. Doofensmhirtz is the villain in a cartoon called Phineas and Ferb, which has an intriguing, easy-to-understand concept: two smart kids invent something different every day of the summer and have crazy adventures. Perry, their platypus, is a secret agent, and he’s constantly thwarting evil Dr. Doofensmhirtz’s plans to take over the Tri-State Area.It’s yet to be decided whether Doofensmhirtz would be live action or I’d be animated. I think I’d rather be animated because if Doofensmhirtz were real then Perry would be real and there’s no doubt some jerk human would kill that egg-laying mammal of action.The first thing we would do is come up with some ingenius plan and then invent something to carry out said plan. Inevitably our plan would fail, and the invention would be destroyed. This happens in every episode. It won’t be a surprise to anyone but Doofensmhirtz, who’s a slow learner and hasn’t figured out that if Perry shows up it’s nothing but bad news for him.After Doofensmhirtz recovers from that trauma, I’d like to have a serious talk with him. I think he’s missing a great opportunity by constantly being evil. I know what he really wants is attention and respect. He’s sort of like a good-natured Kim Jong-Un. But, like that crazy North Korean dictator, he’d do well to realize that he’d catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.And I think that if I introduced Doofensmhirtz to some people outside his sheltered little world that he’d adjust. He comes up with some rather awesome inventions, and if we could just put his intelligence to good use rather than bad, then I think he could make a real difference. It’s not that his inventions don’t work, it’s that Perry just outwits him, or that Phineas and Ferb inadvertently destroy his work.But given the chance I have no doubt that Doofensmhirtz could do something great like reverse climate change, or cure cancer, or make leftover French fries taste good after they’ve been warmed up. Like most people, he just needs a little direction.In exchange for helping him, I’d have a request though. I’m dying to know how he comes up with such great songs seemingly on the spot. Like everyone else in the show, he’ll be in the middle of a scene, then begin to tell a story, and all of a sudden that story becomes a song. And not just any song, but a catchy tune with hilarious lyrics that I end up humming for the rest of the day.How the heck does he do that? If he were in the people world instead of the cartoon world, I have no doubt he’d have multiple Grammy awards. I can imagine a Jay-Z song featuring Doofensmhirtz. Or if Tony Bennett wants to release a new album of duets he should just let Doofensmhirtz write all of them. Between Bennett’s smooth voice and Doofensmhirtz’s scratchy, high-pitched wail it’d probably be musical magic.Unfortunately, I doubt I’ll have the chance to meet Doofensmhirtz. People and cartoon worlds don’t intermingle, Roger Rabbit and Space Jam excepted. So Doofensmhirtz will just continue trying to take over the Tri-State Area without success.But as long as he keeps making me laugh, I don’t really care!Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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The Next Step in my Writing Career

Twenty years ago I started writing for pleasure. The first thing I remember writing were lyrics to a song entitled S&M Dream, which I did as a joke in response to some friends who thought that would be a funny title for a song sung by a barber shop quartet.The words just sort of flowed, and I couldn’t believe how quickly I finished the song, or how good it was. I’m sure I still have the lyrics scribbled on a sheet of paper somewhere among binders in a plastic bin. Part of me wants to find that sheet of paper for nostalgic reasons.But another part of me never wants to see it again and risk the chance that maybe the lyrics aren’t good. Perhaps time and distance have improved their quality in my mind, even if I can’t remember anything beyond “Wake up in the morning/ what happened last night?/ Do I remember? /Oh yeah, I think I might.”Bob Dylan’s not worried.Regardless of how good or bad those lyrics are, they’re important for one reason: they taught me that writing can be fun.Soon after I began writing a “column.” I imagined myself as a young Bob Greene or Andy Rooney. I’d write 700 words a day about whatever came to mind. Then I’d e-mail the column to a list of readers I had recruited through America Online. A few dozen read the column. Others deleted it. But I kept writing.In the two decades since, I’ve written a number of poems, short stories, essays, and blog posts. I’ve written half a dozen novels, most of which only a handful of people have read.But about eighteen months ago I decided to change that.I’ve wanted to make a living as a writer since I finished the lyrics to S&M Dream, but I haven’t figured out how to do so. Breaking into traditional publishing is difficult, and even if a book is published it’s unlikely to do well enough to permit the author to write full-time.But thanks to some entrepreneurial writers, Facebook, and Amazon, it’s possible for talented writers to build their own careers without relying on good fortune and assistance from traditional publishers.So that’s what I’m doing. And today is the next step.Three years ago I self-published a book on Amazon called The Death Market. It’s about a young lawyer who gets involved with an illegal market where participants wager on whether specific people will die within a defined period of time.I designed the cover myself, I proofread it a couple of times, and I published it. Other than letting my Facebook friends know that it existed, I had no idea how to sell it, so it didn’t sell.Today I’m making that book available to you, Loyal Reader, for free. But it’s better than it was before. A guy who has done covers for Stephen King designed a new cover. I rewrote it, edited it, revised it, made it better. It’s the same story, but tighter. Cleaner. Better.And if you haven’t read it, then I encourage you to download it right now. But wait. Finish reading this first.You can download the book by visiting my brand new website, brettbakerwrites.com. There you’ll find a link to download the book for free. All you have to do is provide your e-mail address.The best part is, for a limited time, if you download the book, I’ll add you to my Advance Team. So not only will you get The Death Market for free, you’ll get every book that I publish for free, and in advance of its release date.All I ask is that after you read the book, you go to Amazon and post a review.But read quickly, Loyal Reader, because in just a few weeks, on August 28, I will release two new books! They’re the first two books in a new series about a secret, underground crime-investigation organization, and Mia Mathis, a fearless agent who always find herself in the thick of the action.This post and my request for your involvement are just one piece in a carefully-planned effort that will permit me to write full-time. I’m not there yet. And it may be some time before I get there. But this is another step in the process.So thanks for reading this.You can download The Death Market here.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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