When I read the challenge for tonight’s Blogapalooz-Hour—“What fictional character (or characters) would you most like to spend time with and what would you do together?”—two people came to mind right away: Hannibal Lecter and Willy Wonka.I think it’s just coincidence that hanging out with either of them would probably result in some rather unique meals. Although what I’d really like to see is Hannibal Lecter go to Willy Wonka’s factory. I bet there aren’t too many places where Hannibal isn’t the weirdest guy in the room.I’m sure I could have written a few hundred words on either of those fools, but they seemed too obvious. So I read the challenge to my six-year-old daughter and asked whom she thought I should write about. She said, “Me!”She was only slightly disappointed to find out that fictional meant not real. Then she said, “Dr. Doofensmhirtz.” And I said, “Perfect!”First, I understand there’s a good chance that you’re not familiar with Dr. Doofensmhirtz. Unless you have children under 12, you’ve probably never heard of him. If you do know who he is then you know how awesome he is.Dr. Doofensmhirtz is the villain in a cartoon called Phineas and Ferb, which has an intriguing, easy-to-understand concept: two smart kids invent something different every day of the summer and have crazy adventures. Perry, their platypus, is a secret agent, and he’s constantly thwarting evil Dr. Doofensmhirtz’s plans to take over the Tri-State Area.It’s yet to be decided whether Doofensmhirtz would be live action or I’d be animated. I think I’d rather be animated because if Doofensmhirtz were real then Perry would be real and there’s no doubt some jerk human would kill that egg-laying mammal of action.The first thing we would do is come up with some ingenius plan and then invent something to carry out said plan. Inevitably our plan would fail, and the invention would be destroyed. This happens in every episode. It won’t be a surprise to anyone but Doofensmhirtz, who’s a slow learner and hasn’t figured out that if Perry shows up it’s nothing but bad news for him.After Doofensmhirtz recovers from that trauma, I’d like to have a serious talk with him. I think he’s missing a great opportunity by constantly being evil. I know what he really wants is attention and respect. He’s sort of like a good-natured Kim Jong-Un. But, like that crazy North Korean dictator, he’d do well to realize that he’d catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.And I think that if I introduced Doofensmhirtz to some people outside his sheltered little world that he’d adjust. He comes up with some rather awesome inventions, and if we could just put his intelligence to good use rather than bad, then I think he could make a real difference. It’s not that his inventions don’t work, it’s that Perry just outwits him, or that Phineas and Ferb inadvertently destroy his work.But given the chance I have no doubt that Doofensmhirtz could do something great like reverse climate change, or cure cancer, or make leftover French fries taste good after they’ve been warmed up. Like most people, he just needs a little direction.In exchange for helping him, I’d have a request though. I’m dying to know how he comes up with such great songs seemingly on the spot. Like everyone else in the show, he’ll be in the middle of a scene, then begin to tell a story, and all of a sudden that story becomes a song. And not just any song, but a catchy tune with hilarious lyrics that I end up humming for the rest of the day.How the heck does he do that? If he were in the people world instead of the cartoon world, I have no doubt he’d have multiple Grammy awards. I can imagine a Jay-Z song featuring Doofensmhirtz. Or if Tony Bennett wants to release a new album of duets he should just let Doofensmhirtz write all of them. Between Bennett’s smooth voice and Doofensmhirtz’s scratchy, high-pitched wail it’d probably be musical magic.Unfortunately, I doubt I’ll have the chance to meet Doofensmhirtz. People and cartoon worlds don’t intermingle, Roger Rabbit and Space Jam excepted. So Doofensmhirtz will just continue trying to take over the Tri-State Area without success.But as long as he keeps making me laugh, I don’t really care!Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.
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