I should start by saying that I don’t own a dog. In fact, I don’t have any pets, unless you count the opossum that visits our recycling bins a few times every summer. So maybe I just don’t get it.However, I have owned a few cats in my life. I liked them. I even loved one or two of them.Wait a minute… we did have a dog when I was a teenager. Her name was Coco, and she chewed the hell out of the legs on a coffee table my parents had owned for thirty years. She wasn’t around long. I can’t remember the circumstances, but at some point my dad brought her to my aunt’s house in rural Iowa where she…no longer lived with us.So perhaps if I had a dog I’d understand the intense love that permits dog owners to tolerate, even embrace, having their face licked by their dog. Because as a dog non-owner, I want to puke every time I see a canine tongue make contact with a human face, especially the mouth.Yuck.Dog owners, do you not know what dogs do with their mouths? Dogs lick certain parts of their body. If my kids just touched—not even licked, just touched—those parts of their own body I’d make them go wash their hands. I certainly wouldn’t say, “Aww, how cute, come over here so I can suck on your fingers!”Doesn’t that make you want to puke?Are there breeds of dogs that don’t make out with the organs of their excretory and digestive systems? Maybe so, but I’m not getting freaky with them either. I’ve smelled dog food before, and I’ll be damned if I’m letting any mouth that eats that stuff within eighteen inches of my own mouth.My daughter ate a dog biscuit once and I made her gargle with Pine-Sol before I’d let her near the dinner table.Let me also remind you that not only do some dogs lick their own butt, and all dogs eat disgusting food, but the worst of the worst actually try to combine the two and eat their own poop. That’s so gross my fingers just went numb to avoid typing the words.“Oh Rover, come lick my face you little cutie pie!” No.Here Rover, chew on this tube of Colgate and wash it down with some hydrogen peroxide.(It’s probably a good thing that I don’t own a dog.)
As a dog non-owner I’ve tried to imagine something more revolting than being Britney Spears to my dog’s Madonna, but it’s really stretching my imagination. There’s gross, and then there’s gross.Every now and then we hear about some article that claims a toilet seat is cleaner than this or that household object. But even if a toilet seat is cleaner than your purse, you’re not going to lick your toilet seat are you? You might as well. If your dog had a toilet seat it’d be no cleaner than those parts he licked thirty seconds before greeting you at the door and slurping on your face.Or what if you and I were out playing golf (that’s probably not going to happen), and then we went back to my house and my eight-year-old son greeted me at the door by licking my lips. What a sick little brat! Wouldn’t you expect me to go wash my face and maybe down a fifth of vodka, just in case?Dog owners: do you buy produce? What’s the first thing you do to that bunch of lettuce before you use it? You probably rinse it to get the dirt off and maybe take care of any hearty little bug that might have survived the trip from the field.But come on, there’s nothing on that lettuce that’s worse than whatever’s hiding under your dog’s tail, and thus in his mouth. Save some water and stop washing the lettuce. Don’t kid yourself, you don’t even like clean things.Now, before you comment below, let me save you some time. I don’t want to hear about how clean a dog’s mouth is. “A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s mouth.” Yeah, maybe after a human just fell through the floor of a decrepit outhouse.But if you want to keep letting your dog lick your face, then go right ahead. Don’t listen to me. I don’t even have a dog.I also don’t have tapeworm, and that can’t be a coincidence.PREVIOUS POST: Keep Your 'No Regrets' to YourselfIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: How to Tell the Difference Between Kids and Dogs+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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