In honor of Saturday Night Live's 40th Anniversary this Sunday, I wanted to create a sketch of my own. What follows is a never-aired (because I'm not an SNL writer), never-before-seen (because I just wrote it) sketch called "Cooking with Paula and Martha" starring Paula Deen and Martha StewartPD: Welcome to Cooking with Paula and Martha, I’m Paula Deen.MS: Don’t you mean Cooking with Martha and Paula?PD: Cooking with Paula and Martha. That’s what I said.MS: No, that’s not quite right. We agreed that my name would go first.PD: First, second, who cares? We’re both here and we’re happier than a pig in slop.Martha looks at the camera, shakes her head, then reaches for a bowl of flour.MS: Today we’re going to show you how to make my delicious, tender buttermilk biscuits. We begin with a cup and three quarters of flour…PD, stepping in front of Martha, to the camera: We’re gonna make my famous milk gravy, too. It’s so rich and tasty, it’ll go perfect with those dry biscuits. Just you wait and see.MS: My biscuits are not dry! (Paula puts her hand up as if to hide her face, looks around and nods.) Would you stop that? (Martha swats at Paula’s hand.) You haven’t even tasted my biscuits, how do you know they’re dry?PD: Martha…they’re dry. We can tell just by looking at you that they’re dry. I mean come on, everything about you is dry. And cold.MS, shocked: It is not! I can be wet and warm.PD: Martha Stewart, what are you saying? This is a family show! Are you trying to get us kicked off the TV?MS: I, well, uh, you said…PD: While Martha collects herself, let me show you how to make my world famous milk gravy. I’ll tell you what, I learned this recipe from my Grandma Paul when I was a little girl and I haven’t changed it one little bit. It’ll be as delicious in your kitchen as it was in Grandma Paul’s kitchen. Now, we start with a quarter cup of bacon grease…MS: Bacon grease? You can’t be serious.PD, turning towards Martha and waving her hands like Vanna White: Look ladies and gentlemen, she speaks! So glad you could join us again, Martha. Now, as I was saying, a quarter cup of bacon grease…MS: You know, if you keep cooking like this you’re going to have a heart attack. Who puts a quarter cup of bacon grease in anything?PD: People who want flavor in their food. (She opens her arms toward the audience, looking for applause.) Am I right folks? (Enthusiastic applause.)MS: Don’t encourage her. This food is going to kill you if you eat it.PD: She’s right, folks. But don’t worry, we’re going to have Martha eat this! (Paula looks up into the distance, and uses her hands to read words on a marquee) Cooking with Paula. Doesn’t that sound so much better, folks? (Applause.)MS: There’s something with Paula, but I’m not sure it’s cooking. Did Grandma Paul live a long life eating dishes built on bacon grease?PD: She did. She absolutely did. And she always said the key to a long life was good food, strong whiskey, and a loving family.MS: And staying away from horrible people?PD: Not all of us can run away to the Hamptons every weekend, so sometimes we just have to be near horrible people. (Paula pushes Martha off to the side with her hip.)MS, using her shoulder to push Paula in the opposite direction, completely off camera: That’s so true. We should avoid doing cooking shows with them though. That’s where some of the most horrible people are.PD, offscreen: Even more than in the clink?MS, removing her apron: Okay, that’s it. I cannot work with this back-country culinary hack. She’s completely impossible.PD, coming back on camera: Martha, this is not the way to welcome these guests. Why don’t you go pout in your dressing room and I’ll entertain our guests. They want something better than dry biscuits anyway.MS: My biscuits are not dry! (She grabs a handful of flower from the bowl and throws it in Paula’s face.) Look at her, ladies and gentlemen! She’s got so much makeup on that you can’t even tell she’s covered in flour. Keep caking it on, Paula. You’re not fooling anyone. They know you’re an old hag.PD: Folks, I want to apologize for my co-host’s temper. Prison has that affect on people. It must have ruined her memory, too, because she’s actually older than me. (Paula picks up the measuring cup with bacon grease and tries to pour it over Martha’s head.)MS, grabbing Paula’s arm and pushing it out of the way as she leans to the side: Get that shit away from me. You’re crazy.A struggle ensues as Paula tries to pour the bacon grease over Martha’s head, and Martha tries to avoid it. They veer off camera to one side, across the set, then off camera to the other side. We hear things falling off the counter while they’re off screen. We hear Paula grunt, footsteps, and then Paula yelling: Get back here!Martha reappears, running across the set. Paula is right behind her, reaches out, and grabs her by the shirt, while pouring the bacon grease over her head.PD: What’s your secret for getting bacon grease out of your hair, Fancy Pants?MS: You bitch! (Martha turns around, takes a swing at Paula with her right hand, but misses. She slips on the bacon grease on the floor and falls down, behind the counter, off screen.)PD: Martha, how can you let your kitchen get so filthy? (She steps on Martha, smiles at the camera, and grabs another measuring cup from off camera.) This is why we must always be prepared. I’ve got a little more bacon grease here. So we just dump that into the bowl.We see Martha getting to her feet behind Paula. She’s pulling herself up, hanging on to the counter for leverage. When we see Martha’s face, she’s visibly angry. Paula is oblivious and keeps cooking.Martha staggers a few feet to the stovetop. She grabs a large cast iron skillet, holds it with both hands and lifts it above her head. She swings the skillet toward Paula’s head, and a split second before impact we cut to a screen with colored bars and the words, “Please stand by.”
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