Scientists are mystified by the cause of an acorn shortage that threatens to tear apart the squirrel community, but also promises a jobs increase for humans.Peter J. McIntyre, lead researcher for New Urbanists Training Squirrels, or NUTS, has been following the eating patterns of squirrels for two decades. Mr. McIntyre’s group has concluded that never before have so few acorns been available at this point in October.The acorn shortage threatens to change the way of life for squirrels—tree, ground and flying—along with other rodents dependent on the nuts, such as marmots, prairie dogs and woodchucks.Mr. McIntyre is concerned about the shortage.“We’re already seeing more aggressive squirrels,” Mr. McIntyre said. “It used to be that squirrels would run away from humans, but now there are recorded instances of squirrels attacking humans, especially around lunch time. Our initial research suggests that squirrels detect peanut butter from the sandwiches many humans consume at lunch. And as we know, squirrels don’t have the most refined palates, so they don’t care if they eat acorns or peanuts. We’re just thankful that baseball season is over. Having so many bags of peanuts in one place could really be dangerous.”He’s also warning the citizens of the southern United States to be on high alert. “Considering the millions of acres of peanuts being grown down there, it could be a bloodbath. I’d stay far away from Georgia, Alabama, Texas. It’s just not safe with all those nuts and so many hungry squirrels.”While most people would assume that the squirrels’ direct threat to humans is the most dangerous aspect of this new development, Mr. McIntyre warns about other repercussions.“What we’re really worried about is the increase in squirrel-on-squirrel violence. As acorns become more scarce, squirrels are willing to go further to get their hands—excuse me, their paws—on them. We’ve witnessed situations where squirrels are leaping from trees and landing on top of other squirrels in vain attempts to steal any acorns they might be carrying.”“Last week my partner and I witnessed a group of six squirrels gang up on a rather large squirrel. The six of them held down the large squirrel, while a seventh squirrel came and forced open the mouth of the squirrel victim to check for hoarded acorns. The poor guy just had chubby cheeks!”"These squirrels have no respect for other squirrels, or themselves. They're acting like, well, uh, like animals."
Mr. McIntyre said his group has had some success in training squirrels to find alternate food sources in the past, but he doubts they can train enough squirrels to make much of a difference.“I don’t know if you’ve ever tasted acorns, but they taste like shit! I mean literally. Like crap. Really bitter, nutty crap. So it’s not too difficult to get the squirrels to eat something else. The difficulty is in getting them to trust us. I mean if we look at this through the squirrel’s eyes it’s easy to understand why they don’t trust us: most of their encounters with humans don’t end well. Either they have a body full of lead, or tire tracks across their face. Either way, not good.”A representative for Rocket J. Squirrel, from Rocky and Bullwinkle fame, confirms that Rocky is also feeling the acorn squeeze. Alvin, Simon and Theodore, however, gave up acorns a long time ago according to their rep. “They’ve been eating human food for decades,” an anonymous source reports. “Prima donnas, every single one of them.”NUTS will continue working with any squirrels who want to learn to eat human food, but Mr. McIntyre and his team are prepared for the worst.There is one upside to the acorn shortage though. Mr. McIntyre suggests that as more squirrels die in the ensuing violence, squirrel carcass removal might become a thriving industry.“If this keeps up, there’s going to be more than just a few dead squirrels on the road. These animals are in real trouble. It’s like a fight to the death out there every day for some of these poor creatures. And after they die, someone has to clean them up.”Carl Bob Wallace from Stone Mountain, Georgia is ready for the squirrel onslaught. “Bring ‘em on,” Mr. Wallace said. “I like squirrel soup.”Like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes.Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.