It’s iPhone Day! It’s iPhone Day! Can you believe it? I’m so stinking excited I can’t stand it. I’ve been waiting in line for twenty-nine hours so I can be sure to get my new iPhone as soon as possible. And now it’s only about an hour until the Apple store opens and I can get my brand spanking new iPhone.I’m writing this post on my MacBook Pro, which has a long battery life, and a 15-inch retina display, both of which helped me get through the chilly Chicago night in my lawn chair on Michigan Avenue.It’s been a long night, but a fun one. There are plenty of other people to talk to, and when we run out of things to say we just listen to the new U2 album, which Apple so graciously added to my iTunes account. I didn’t even have to ask for it!I’m so glad they gave it to me though. I didn’t even know U2 was still making music. Luckily, Apple knows just what I want, and they were smart enough to release the new iPhone 6 right after U2’s album, so now we’ll all have these fancy new phones to listen to the album. What a coincidence!This new iPhone is going to be so awesome. It’s got a 1.4 GHz processor, which is a full .1 faster than last year’s version. .1 I say! And the display…Holy Moses the display! The basic phone is now 4.7 inches, which is .7 inches larger than the previous phone. And Apple really knows what we want so the iPhone 6 Plus has a 5.5 inch display. Another eight-tenths of an inch! Do you have any idea what we can do with an additional eight-tenths of an inch? Well, neither do I, but I’m sure it’s something awesome!Oh, and I haven’t even touched on the thickness of the phone yet. It’s so thin! I mean when you hold it on its side you can barely even see it. How does Apple do that? I’m so glad it’s thinner. Last year’s iPhone, which was 2 millimeters thicker, was practically unusable. But this one—oh, good Lord—I’m going to use the hell out of all 6.9 millimeters of thickness on this new phone.I simply cannot believe the curviness! This is like the Kim Kardashian of phones. The sides don’t cut nearly as sharply as the previous iPhone, which is good. I can’t tell you the number of times I cut my hand while holding that machete.And don’t even get me started on the new features. I have three words for you: optical image stabilization. Do you know what that means? It means that when I’m on a long run and I’ve been working real hard and I’m all sweaty that I don’t even have to stop to take a selfie. And since it has a longer battery life I can go on longer runs.That’s not all they’ve done for the camera though. They’ve also improved tone mapping and noise reduction and invented new Focus Pixel technology that will help it focus better. That’s important because the only things keeping my photos from being awesome before was the impossibly lackadaisical tone mapping and noise on the old iPhone.The amazing thing about all of this is that I didn’t even know I wanted these things. For the past year I’ve been living in bliss with my iPhone 5S, and never even realized what I was missing. Luckily, Apple’s there for us, so we’re no longer missing out on the things we didn’t know we were missing out on.Thank you Apple!The thoughts, declarations, enthusiasm, cultishness, spendthriftiness, and general tomfoolery contained in the words above do not belong to this blog’s usual author. The words overtook his mind early in the morning, and his fingers had no choice but to record them. The blog’s usual author maintains his commitment to a cell phone-free life, and has no explanation for where the words above came from. He strongly suspects they were put into his mind by Apple, possibly genetically engineered into the pulp of the thirteen honey crisp apples he’s eaten this week.Possibly.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Please share, like or comment if you like this. Please. I'm begging you. By the way, if you like what you're reading here, you should like my Facebook page, Brett Baker WritesYou should subscribe to this blog, don't you think? That way you'll never forget to come back. Forgetting is bad. So why don't you just type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.