Dear Monday,In general, I try to follow the common rule of not saying anything at all if I don’t have something nice to say. It’s good advice. However, it’s time someone told you the truth.You suck. Nobody likes you.I know you’ve been given a raw deal with your situation in relation to the work week, but that’s not my problem. Excuses will get you nowhere in life.So think of this as constructive criticism. You can’t change where you fall among the days of the week, but perhaps there are some things you can do better.First, stop being in such a rush to get here. Take your time, stop and smell the roses. Most of the time it seems like I’m enjoying a nice quiet Friday night, and then ten minutes later it’s Monday morning. What the hell?Follow Friday’s lead. That’s a leisurely day if I’ve ever seen one. Everyone in the world is waiting for Friday to come, but that doesn’t make Friday come any faster. Friday goes at its own pace. It takes its time, strolls through the park, has a cigarette, eats a big Italian lunch, and makes its appearance only when we can’t wait any more.And we love Friday, right? So maybe if you wouldn’t be in such a damn rush to get here all the time, we might like you more, too.Since you’re named after the moon, maybe it might be helpful if you acted like the moon every now and then. Pay close attention here…The moon is always there, but there’s only one night a month in which it completely shows itself to us. And actually, even on that night we only see one side of it. The dark side is always hidden. But anyway, the full moon only comes once every twenty-nine days or so. The rest of the time we only see part of the moon, or sometimes, none of it at all.You should start doing that. Every twenty-ninth appearance you can stick around for 24 hours. The rest of the time, don’t show your entire self. Limit your appearance. Can you imagine how much more beloved you’d be if we knew that sometimes you were only around for three or six or fifteen hours? Remember what they say about absence’s effect on the heart!Also, it’s about time you took some responsibility. Let’s face it, you’re the beginning of the week. It all starts with you, which is why there’s so much animosity toward you. The claim that you’re actually the second day of the week only makes things worse. Sunday isn’t first. You are! Own it. Accept it.Haven’t you ever heard the claim that it’s not the crime that gets people in trouble, but rather the cover up? It’s the same with you. Trying to dodge the responsibility of beginning a new week and deflect it to Sunday is just scandalous. I don’t know whether you’ve heard or not, but Saturday and Sunday are the weekEND. It’s difficult to be both the end and the beginning of something. So go out there and claim the beginning of the week. Stop being a shyster about it. People like honesty.You’re still facing an uphill battle though, Monday. There’s a deep history of distrust and dislike toward you, and just doing the things that I describe above probably won’t be enough. Most people probably still won’t like you.True, you throw us a few bones every now and then. Lots of people like Monday Night Football, and Memorial Day and Labor Day are pretty awesome, but that doesn’t account for very many Mondays, so good luck. You’re going to need it.You remember that old Bangles song, Manic Monday, don’t you? Well it’s a little known fact that they actually wanted to call it Motherf@#cking Monday, but the record company wouldn’t allow it. But even with the tamed down version, it’s still an awesome song and sums up how everyone feels about you.Thanks for understanding, Monday. I hope you take this advice to heart and try to do better. We’d all be better off if you sucked a little bit less.By the way, if you like what you're reading here, you should like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes.You should subscribe to this blog, don't you think? That way you'll never forget to come back. Forgetting is bad. So why don't you just type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.