Cereal: An Education

Perhaps the only food more versatile than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is cereal. Whether it’s consumed for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack, it’s always appropriate and satisfying.Now, before you begin with cries of, “Breakfast cereal is nothing but sugar!” or “I’m not letting my kids near that stuff!” or “I’m not eating anything endorsed by a talking tiger or big-eyed leprechaun!” let me say that you’re completely right. Most breakfast cereal is at least 15% sugar. Some of it is much higher.So if I see Tony the Tiger I’ll be sure to tell him he’s a damn liar when he claims that Frosted Flakes is part of a nutritious breakfast. I just hope you feel bad when he mauls me and chews off my face.Cereal is a “sometimes” food, all right? It’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than that pastry abomination, Pop Tarts. So even though you can have cereal for breakfast, lunch or dinner, don’t have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.I’m glad that’s settled. Now we can get down to business.And the business is cereal.Even though I’ve just caved and admitted that cereal isn’t a great source of nutrition and you shouldn’t eat it all the time, I need to point out not all cereal is nutritionally bankrupt.Take Cheerios, for instance. That cereal is so simple and tasty, and it’s not horrible for you. It’s got very little sugar, and it’s been the stalwart of healthy cereal for decades. I must say I’m a little disappointed in the Cheerios folks though. Over the past few years they’ve branched out and now have chocolate, frosted and dulce de leche versions. Stay away from those.Also, stay away from the honey nut version. They smell like urine. You might not have noticed it before, but you’ll never be able to eat them again without noticing it now that I’ve mentioned it. Sorry.(Maybe that tidbit isn’t too surprising, since many potty-training boys have Cheerios for targets in the toilet bowl when they’re practicing their aim.)And don’t forget about basic corn flakes. They taste good, have an outstanding crunch, and also absorb milk perfectly. They’re usually the cheapest cereal around and a necessary addition to any cereal inventory.Now to the good stuff. The sweet stuff. The cereal so sugary that it’s no coincidence many cereal aisles share space with the candy aisle.In addition to Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes, there are a few other staples that any cereal connoisseur needs to enjoy and appreciate. Such as:Fruity Pebbles: Fred Flintstone and so many colors that it turns your milk gray. Delicious. It has a cousin called Cocoa Pebbles, which turns your milk brown. That’s gross.Fruit Loops: Basically flavored, enlarged, colored Cheerios. And would anyone know what the hell a toucan was if it weren’t for Toucan Sam?Cookie Crisp: Cookies as cereal? Are you kidding me? Find a kid, show him this cereal, watch the excitement. In one of the great travesties in cereal history, they’ve done away with the Cookie Crook, so kids these days won’t experience the sensation of fear when watching Cookie Crisp commercials.Raisin Bran: This is the double agent of the cereal world. It passes itself off as a healthy cereal (it’s got the word Bran right in the name!), but take a look at the label. It’s 30% sugar! That’s just 3% less than Fruity Pebbles! You might think the raisin or the bran would make you crap your pants, but really it’s the label.Rice Krispies: Somehow this is a successful kids cereal, even though it has just 12% sugar. Credit those wily Snap, Crackle, Pop brothers. This cereal is great for kids because it doesn’t disappoint. They say it makes noise, and it actually makes noise. Some cereals disappoint. I’m still waiting for that Trix rabbit to come and try and take my bowl of cereal.We’re coming upon the time of the cereal Holy Trinity though. Every year around this time they make an appearance, and I just saw them for the first time this past weekend. I’m talking about Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry. Stop reading and go get them. You haven’t experienced Halloween excitement until you’ve opened that first box of monster cereal.Now that you know what to eat, it’s time to learn how to eat it. You may think you know how to eat it, but you don’t.First, you can’t eat it dry. That’s cheating. The milk is part of the experience. Soy milk is an acceptable substitute. If you’re out of milk don’t get all fancy and think that you can substitute water or orange juice or coffee. You can’t and you’re disgusting for even considering it.Second, mix the cereals! I can’t remember the last time I had a bowl of just one cereal. Mix them up, play with the flavors. There’s no wrong way to do it. Plus, you don’t feel as bad eating that giant bowl of Honey Smacks when you’ve got some corn flakes mixed in.Third, scrape the sides of the bowl as you eat. If you don’t the sugar cereal is going to stick to it and you’ll never get it off. So not only will you shortchange yourself on cereal enjoyment, you’ll probably have to throw the bowl away.And finally, drink the milk when you’re done! If you follow no other advice from me, please follow this. Milk at the bottom of the cereal bowl is one of nature’s treasures. Dumping it is tragic. Don’t be tragic.And forget about the Pop Tarts!By the way, if you like what you're reading here, you should like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes.You should subscribe to this blog, don't you think? That way you'll never forget to come back. Forgetting is bad. So why don't you just type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. 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