Dear Person Who Invented Ice Cream:I don’t know who you are, and Wikipedia refuses to give me a clear cut answer. But at some point in history someone figured out how to make ice cream, and you’re that person. So I’d like to personally thank you for your creativity, your fantastic palate, and your generous spirit, which permitted you to share this wonderful creation with the worldI just returned from a late-evening ice cream run with my oldest daughter. I ordered a chocolate and vanilla twist cone dipped in butterscotch. It made me happy. Tuesday night, nine o’clock, and we need a sweet treat and your incredible invention delivered, as always.I like being an adult. Sure it’s sometimes difficult and responsibility sucks, but it has its perks, too. And without a doubt, right near the top of the list of reasons it’s great to be an adult is that we get to have ice cream whenever we want. I eat it a lot. Summer’s coming, which is prime ice cream eating time for me, so I viewed tonight’s ice cream run as training to get in shape for ice cream season.Today is the beginning of ice cream season. (I just decided that.) So from now until Labor Day I’m going to keep track of how many times I eat ice cream. If it’s fewer than 100 I’m going to be disappointed. Someone reading this might be surprised that one person could eat so much ice cream, but I’m an adult damnit. I’m surprised I don’t eat more ice cream.Should I have ice cream at every meal? That’s what six-year-old Brett would do, and when it comes to ice cream I don’t think I’ve progressed beyond that age. As a kid I remember eating ice cream on pancakes. Why the hell aren’t I doing that anymore?Oh, Wise Old Ice Cream Inventor, I’m sorry that I don’t have something more impressive to show my appreciation. Is there some sort of sacrificial ceremony I can perform in your honor? A blog post seems rather insufficient to show my gratitude for what you’ve done.Actually, before I go any further, let me be clear that I’m talking about ice cream. Just ice cream. Wikipedia mentions Persians who made chilled food from rose water and vermicelli, and Nero had ice brought from mountains and topped it with cold fruit.Unimpressed.That’s not ice cream. Snowcones are great, but they’re not ice cream. Icees/slushies are great, but they’re not ice cream. Sometimes when I’m at Wrigley Field I’ll see some kid eating one of those frozen lemon ice chills that come in a plastic cup, and I think, “Oh, poor kid, they didn’t have the chocolate malt cups.” I can’t comprehend the idea that someone would choose the lemon ice chill when they could have the chocolate malt.No one has late night cravings for shaved ice. We crave ice cream.I act on my late night ice cream cravings much more than I act on any other late night food cravings. Sometimes I’ll go get some beer late at night, but I can usually talk myself out of that. But when I want ice cream, I’m getting some damn ice cream!I’ve gone out late at night to satisfy cravings for onion rings, a French dip sandwich, and an omelet, but each of those only once. I’ve gone out for late night ice cream cravings more times than I can count.The great thing about ice cream is that there are entire stores devoted to it. Our local store, Dairy Belle, is closed in the winter, which only makes it even more enticing in the months that it’s open.What other foods serve variations of only one item?Burger places always have fries. Chicken places serve sides. Even Subway now has pizzas. Every restaurant tries to come up with side items to complement the star of the show. Ice cream needs no help. It is the star of the show. The only question is how to eat it.(I just realized tonight that the Dairy Belle location I visited serves hot dogs and polish sausage, among other items. Dairy Queen tried to pull that crap, too. Let me just say that anyone who goes to an ice cream store and orders food should have their ice cream eating privileges revoked for life. Communists.)So, Ice Cream Inventor, thanks for your hard work, and the most ingenious idea ever. You’re responsible for making billions of people happy, which can be said about very few other people who ever lived.If only you’d forgotten to add the calories.Sincerely,Your #1 FanWasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.
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