Rules are made for fools.I’m pretty sure I learned that on Sesame Street or something. Oscar the Grouch, that rebellious, off-the-grid, organic-living malcontent had a song about it. I can’t remember the words but it rhymed rules with fools, and suckers with…something else. Whatever the lyrics, it got its point across: if you want to have fun, screw the rules!Rules are made by The Man, and there’s nothing more annoying that doing something just because The Man tells you to. And there’s nothing more satisfying than sticking it to The Man. Since most of us have to live our lives somewhat responsibly (I say most because some of us think only of ourselves, damn the consequences, or the destruction we leave in our wake), we have to find small ways to stick it to The Man.
Lately, my most common outlaw action has been breaking the speed limit. Now, I know that no one except for the person driving in front of the police car obeys the speed limit, but I actually used to respect it. I’d stick to going five or ten miles over, which meant I was among the slowest cars on the road.But sometime in the past year I suddenly decided that the speed limit is a mere suggestion. I’ve caught myself becoming irritated with cars that are only going fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit. I weave in and out of traffic. I pass cars in the right lane because they’re not going fast enough in the left lane. My daughter and I went on a little road trip recently and the speedometer topped out over one hundred miles per hour more than once.I drive like an asshole! And I’m not even sure why I changed the way I drive. But the horrible thing is that I just don’t care!But really, in our fast-paced, gotta-have-it-now world, is speeding even rule-breaking anymore?I do more serious outlaw, hoodrat stuff, too.I’ve never sorted laundry by colors or fabric once in my life. Maybe you can tell the difference when you see my clothes, but I can’t. They look clean to me. Maybe a bit wrinkled, since I don’t waste time with ironing, but I don’t care about that either.I recently heard a commercial for one of the fifteen million mattress companies that somehow stay in business, and they claim that we should buy a new mattress every eight years. I’m breaking that rule with gusto! Eight years? Are you kidding me? I guess they stay in business by peddling bullshit like that!Oh, oh, oh! I almost forgot. How about the rules imposed by oil change places? “Here’s a sticker to remind you to bring your car back in three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.” Sorry, oil change dude, I think I’m going to follow the advice of the people who made the car and change the oil every 5,000 miles or six months, since they, you know, made the car!And actually, come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure I’m going to return to your oil change place. The fact that you can’t tell that I just changed my air filter and you’re trying to sell me a new one makes me wonder if you know what the hell you’re doing!I wear contact lenses, and when I got them the eye “doctor” told me to change them every few weeks. If not, my eyes were likely to fall out, or I’d go blind, or some equally horrendous fate. Newsflash: my eyes are already horrible. Short of literally going blind, I don’t think they can get much worse.So I guess I learned some of what Oscar tried to teach me all those years ago. I think he’d be a little disappointed though, because I pay my taxes, I haven’t murdered anyone, and I only vote once every election. I did almost get arrested, but that wasn’t even breaking rules. I had good reasons for that!I’ve actually just broken a rule. I was supposed to write and publish this little piece in one hour. It has now been 63 minutes. And guess what ChicagoNow is going to do about it?Not a damn thing!Our challenge for this month’s Blogapalooz-Hour (a ChicagoNow communal writing exercise in which we’re challenged to produce a post on an unknown topic in an hour) was: "Since rules are made to be broken, write about rules you routinely break or want to break"Enter your e-mail below for more Dry it in the Water posts!
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