I don’t mean to trivialize the deaths of nine people, but I just can’t take this whole motorcycle gang war in Texas seriously. I’m sure it’s serious business to them, but as someone who’s never been on a motorcycle, in a gang, or at war, it all seems rather silly to me.Minus the dead people, of course.In case you’ve been on a news blackout the past couple of days—which is an idea I thoroughly endorse, by the way—let me explain. This past Sunday two rival motorcycle gangs had a mega fight/gun battle that resulted in the deaths of nine people, hospitalization of eighteen, and the arrest of 170.That’s a lot of leather and bad facial hair!I’m sure the scene around the brawl was scary. Any time you get that many burly, angry, sweaty dudes together it’s not going to be a pleasant environment. But the whole thing just seems so juvenile that I can’t take it seriously.Let’s start with the gangs. Apparently, the whole thing went down after one gang’s animosity toward another gang just boiled over. Sounds serious, doesn’t it? But the two gangs are the Bandidos and the Cossacks.The Bandidos sound like some cartoonish motorcycle gang you might see on an old Looney Tunes episode. Speedy Gonzalez might chase Sylvester the Cat, and old Sly might be right on his tail, finally about to catch him for once, when the Bandidos show up and ride their motorcycles right over Sylvester, leaving tire marks on his body.It’s hard to take anyone seriously when you think of them doing battle with Sylvester the Cat. They might just as well have called themselves The Tweety Birds.And the Cossacks aren’t much better. I wonder if they know that the original Cossacks are people in Russia and Ukraine known for their horsemanship and military prowess. Maybe they do and that’s why they chose the name. However, every time I hear it I just think of Olya Povlatsky, Kate MacKinnon’s Russian woman character from Saturday Night Live who talks about the bizarre struggles and challenges of life in her Russian village.I’m no idiot though. I can make fun of the Bandidos and the Cossacks from behind a computer screen, but I wouldn’t say any of this to a motorcycle gang member’s face. Although I do have to say, some of them don’t seem as imposing as I expected.Like this guy. He looks like that quiet kid who sits in the back row of math class and pretends to be dumb even though he knows all the answers. And this guy, who I’m pretty sure is just Michael Myers from that Love Guru movie. And the guy who can’t even grow a full beard.There appear to be a few celebrities in these motorcycle gangs. Isn’t this guy Jake “The Snake” Roberts from wrestling fame? How about Wolfman Jack? And tell me that this isn’t Elmer Fudd.But really, what’s with all the dudes with the gigantic heads?I might be scared of this guy. He looks pretty mean, but it’s hard to be too scared of anyone who spends that much time making sure his beard is neat.The craziest thing of all is why the two gangs are mad at each other. It’s all about turf. An actual turf war! I thought turf wars only existed in 1980s movies about inner cities, but no, they’re alive and kicking in Texas.
The Bandidos think Texas is their turf. The Cossacks think they’re big enough that they can challenge the Bandidos. Hence the bad blood.So you’ve got a few hundred grown men fighting over their territory. And just what does it mean to control a piece of turf or territory? Do they get to build on the land, or skim some tax money, or plunder the natural resources?Nope. They get to wear the Texas bottom rocker, which sounds more like some wrestler’s finishing move than a reason to start a gang war, but I’m wrong again. The Texas bottom rocker is actually a patch with the word Texas on it.That’s it. That’s what they’re fighting about. The right to wear a Texas patch on their gang’s vest.It could be worse though. They could be real barbarians and fight over a woman. Like her.PREVIOUS POST: Observations on Birthday SeasonIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Warning: It's Wife Appreciation Day!+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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