Lately I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving pretty much non-stop. With the help of my four-year-old daughter, I’ve already baked and frozen some dinner rolls, my wife and I have discussed the menu, and I’m watching my calories so I can have some guilt-free revelry next week.I can practically already taste the sweet potatoes, stuffing, roasted vegetables, cranberry sauce, and of course, the turkey! Since it’s the only food that pretty much everyone in the country—maybe even my vegetarian wife—consumes on the same day, and since you’re hopefully dining with other people, I figured I’d offer up a few facts about turkeys that you can use to amaze your fellow Thanksgiving diners.Don’t worry, these aren’t the sort of questionable, made-up “facts” that are often passed around on the internet. I’ve researched every single one of them, and they come from reputable turkeys, I mean people.
--Almost every single turkey produced in the United States is the product of artificial insemination. Why? Because we like our turkeys to be like Dolly Parton! Back in the 1950s traditional turkeys were pushed out of agriculture by turkeys with larger breasts, and thus more breast meat. And in the years since, turkey breasts have become so large that male and female turkeys cannot physically mate.So in a very labor-intensive process, humans have to “acquire” the tom turkey’s contribution, and then inseminate each female hen turkey.No word on whether they use a turkey baster to do so.--Male tom turkeys gobble to attract females for mating in the spring. Imagine their disappointment when they discover the little tidbit above. Female hen turkeys do not gobble.--A turkey’s gobble can be heard up to a mile away on a quiet day. His disappointment after failing to mate can be heard from ten miles away. (Okay, I made up that last part.)--According to the National Turkey Federation (yes, that actually exists), Americans eat about 16 pounds of turkey per person, every year. Now, I like turkey, but with the exception of the occasional deli sandwich, I only eat turkey on Thanksgiving. I don’t think I eat 16 pounds of it though. So either those numbers are inflated, or somebody’s eating 30 pounds of turkey every year to make up for the 2 pounds that I eat.
--Although commercially-raised turkeys cannot fly, wild turkeys can fly. They usually stay on the ground looking for food, so people assume they can’t fly, but they can actually reach flying speeds of 55 miles per hour. So Mr. Carlson was right, he just needed wild turkeys instead of commercially-raised turkeys.--Commercial turkeys have been bred to have white feathers because those feathers don’t leave spots on the turkey’s skin when plucked.--Contrary to a popular urban legend, turkeys are not so dumb that they’ll look straight above them in a rainstorm, and become so mesmerized by raindrops falling from the sky that they’ll drown.--Spatchcock refers to the technique of splitting open a turkey, removing the backbone, and cooking it flat on a pan. It cooks faster that way. I don’t really care about the technique, but the word is awesome. I’m definitely going to work it into some conversations. The person I’m talking to will probably think I’m either threatening them or cussing at them. Either way, I’ll be entertained.--Again, contrary to popular urban legend, Ben Franklin did NOT think that the turkey would make a better national bird than the eagle. The confusion stems from a humorous letter he wrote to his daughter in which he wished “the bald eagle had not been chosen as the Representative of our Country.” He goes on to call the turkey a “much more respectable bird” and an “original Native of America.”But when read in context, Franklin wasn’t advocating that the turkey be our national bird, but rather mocking people who complained that the eagle in the first Seal of the United States looked more like a turkey than an eagle.Okay, too much turkey talk. Time for a nap. (Myth.)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Don't be a turkey, Like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes. Please.
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