Sometimes it seems like I’m the only person on Earth who doesn’t have a cup of coffee in the morning. Or ten more during the day. Or one after dinner. Coffee is among very few foods or beverages that most people assume everyone else likes.And judging by the lines I see at Starbucks every morning, that’s a safe assumption.I have an unrelated observation here. I pass a Starbucks every single day, and the line for the drive-thru is always at least eight or ten cars long. Sometimes the cars snake through the parking lot, and two or three actually wait in the street. Meanwhile, the parking lot is mostly empty. I want to walk up to the people waiting in the drive-thru and ask them why they don’t just park and go inside. It’d be a heck of a lot faster. I’d say they were lazy, but maybe I shouldn’t expect too much from them since they haven’t had their coffee yet.Anyway back to the mater at hand. Coffee is a mystery to me. Billions of people around the world go gaga over it, but I just can’t get into it. I’ve tried it numerous times, and every time I drink it I’m left with the same thought: “Is it supposed to taste like that?”And actually, maybe I’m not the only one. I have no statistics to support this (67% of statistics are made up on the spot anyway), but I’d bet most people don’t drink their coffee black. They add cream or sugar or milk or whatever else to mask the flavor. I don’t blame them. I could probably drink coffee if I added enough cream and sugar. “Do you want some coffee with your sweet milk?”Iced coffee is craziness to me, as well. I tried it one time and it tasted like someone decided they didn’t want to dump the pot of old, room temperature coffee, so they just poured it over some ice and said, “I bet people will drink this.” And, of course, people do.And even though I’m not a coffee drinker, I know that coffee is supposed to be a hot drink. Serving it chilled just seems wrong. Every hipster and his brother is starting their own craft brewery, but I’ve yet to see anyone try to float the idea of drinking hot beer. Sounds gross, doesn’t it? Why? Because beer is supposed to be cold.But whatever. I don’t really care. I’m not drinking coffee whether it’s hot or cold. Why not? Because my taste buds work, that’s why not. I think most people who really like coffee just burned their taste buds off the first time they ever tried it, so now they don’t even know that they’re drinking warm swill.It’s just the flavor of coffee that I don’t like though. I love how it smells. I’ve actually thought about buying some coffee just so my house could smell like it every morning, but it just seems like too much effort, and rather wasteful. What I really need is for someone to come over before I get up and brew the coffee and then drink it. Or I guess I could just buy a candle.Coffee-flavored products are usually pretty tasty, too. Coffee ice cream is so delicious that every time I have it I think, “Maybe I’ve developed a taste for coffee. I should try it again.” Then my brain freeze ends and I remember that I’ve been down that road before and it sucks.My wife doesn’t drink coffee either. However, when I told her I was writing about coffee she offered up this little diddy:C-O-F-F-E-ECoffee is not for meIt’s a drink that people wake up withThat it makes them nervous is no mythSlaves to a coffee cupThey can’t give coffee upThanks to Mother Regina Mary in my wife’s Catholic grade school for that gem. I don't think she liked coffee either.ADDENDUM: I had an old pickup truck that I sold on Craigslist a couple of years ago. The guy who bought it from me was named Juan Valdez. I wanted to ask him if I could trade it for a donkey, but I didn't.+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++You know what else doesn't suck? My Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes. Like it, please.
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